Writing For My Life

grateful for the witnesses

2012-03-02T13:34:00.001-05:00

I came into town to visit my love, Caroline, last night and met another prophet who is doing homeless ministries in Raleigh. My journey to Lynchburg, Virginia has been littered with a lot of them. I met Ryan Kemp Pappan at a clergy lobbying rally in Washington, DC in May of last year. Just before moving to Lynchburg, I spent time in Knoxville working with amazing case workers and volunteers at the Volunteer Ministry Center. There were many prophets there. And since being here in Lynchburg, I met Mel White, a member of my church, and inspiring prophet of the Gospel reaching out to people who are LGBTQI.

There is a running theme with prophets throughout our Christian Bible. I think first about the Hebrew Bible and the prophetic signs prophets would do - everything from walking in the streets naked to tearing clothes. I think of the shouting, the lamenting, the anger, and the frustration of those who were chosen to know God's heart and mind. And I think of Jesus - the ultimate prophet. Christianity often makes Jesus into a calm and peaceful guru, but the best I can tell, Jesus was constantly confronting people with their failures to see the world with God's eyes. What amazes me is that he was able to love people while he did it.

I have heard seasoned ministers speak about "prophetic ministers" as ministers who just don't know how to be ministers. And it is true that often people say they are prophetic, but they are really just being single-minded and unfair to those who happen to disagree. At the same time, people who consider themselves more of pastors than prophets often use that as a guise not to speak out. They say that they cannot speak because they do not want to hurt other people (or the church at large), and they end up saying nothing at all. There is no doubt that our labels of pastor and prophet can work as barriers to ourselves and others. I can hide behind a label to explain why it is I am not speaking out. I can hide behind a label to explain why I am speaking out belligerently as well. Ministers do both all the time in an unhealthy and unhelpful way, as do all baptized Christians.

Regardless of all of that nebulousness, when I meet someone who sacrificed job security, wealth, and stability in favor of trying to have full integrity between belief and action, I am humbled. And perhaps there is a part of me that yearns for a tribe to follow and when I meet people in that tribe, I am hopeful I can join. This afternoon i am grateful for others who live on the edge and do so openly. i am grateful for a generosity and transparency of spirit. may we all learn how to partner with prophets in our lives speaking truth despite those parts of ourselves that decry legion. and may we all have real experiences with the incarnate son in all the places we go

Audrey

Thoughts

2012-02-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

My friend Sunny just posted on her facebook that she finished a journal that was started in 2010. What an accomplishment! All of my journals start and then stop and then start and then stop and then usually sit on my shelf half empty only to be picked up again maybe to start again and never have i finished one.

I read her post and thought - she is so good! but then i thought - who needs that? I don't need to finish a journal I started! That is just OCD! but then I thought - not true! I need to be more like Sunny!

That is what has led me to this screen on a Tuesday morning. I decided if nothing else, it is time to write somewhere!

It is the season of lent when we Christians are encouraged to take up practices - disciplines more like it - to help us get out of the way for God to be part of our lives. I have one friend who is writing in a blog every day about different kinds of things she is getting rid of in her life through this season. She started her Lenten blog with the tale of getting the trash bag to give clothes away to Goodwill. I heard some of the college students I pray with Monday nights talk about giving up chocolate. One middle school kid said she was going to try to give up meat (!), and like usual, here I am still considering what I want to give up or start up and we are almost a week into Lent!

I have had a few curve balls this year and there are things I have given up or taken up that I did not decide. For instance, I am now preaching twice per month. This means I am taking up disciplined study of the word and taking up more space in my life for the creative process to write sermons. My girlfriend got a tenured job in Raleigh, NC last year so we gave up seeing each other every day over the last year. And I discovered two weeks ago that my cat has cancer and while the veterinarian does not recommend surgery because it will only give her a few extra months with more tumors sure to come, I am giving up pretending that graceyloo will live forever. And who wants to give that up? Not me. (She is doing okay this morning - she is still eating and on predisone to control her tumor for now)

the latter two i mention are certainly not positive. but all three point to why i am not sure i feel like doing some kind of giving up or taking up this season. perhaps i want something in my life i have control over. or maybe i am just tired of giving stuff up.

that is why instead of this whole lenten stuff of practices, i think i will instead just try to keep doing what i am doing and instead try to see how god is speaking in all of it. (I know - what a ministerly response!) it sounds cheesy, but I do mean it.

certainly, it is not hard to see how preaching more often will lead to more time in my life for God. but perhaps what is not obvious is the disciplined practice of listening for how to restructure my life each week to find time to listen for God, to read, and to write. that process is fun when you give yourself the space. i think i might consider this time of lent a period where i am listening for the best way to create space (you can read into this - and listening for the best things to give up in my life to get the space!)

it is hard not seeing your significant other as often as you want to. caroline and i have been growing in our relationship through it. i would attest that our communication has had to improve. certainly the time we spend together is more precious than it ever was. hopefully during this season, we will discover new ways of loving each other long distance. i think i just challenged myself!

and finally my cat. i have not wanted to write about my cat for fear people will not understand that my heart is very heavy. when i first heard word about my cat's health, i could not speak much of it. i have known this cat since she was an adolescent and i was a divinity school student. we have been through a lot together. we moved from nashville to knoxville to lynchburg. she has been a great companion and to think of the world without grace is a crummy thing. but i was thinking yesterday when i was driving and saw a black cat stalking something along the side of the road. it dawned on me that grace has given me a gift of loving cats - especially black cats - more than i ever knew i could. her sickness makes me very sad, but i know god will use this time to work in me despite it

and that is it. it is no end of a journal. i am no sunnyB. but at least i have written some today and remembered again that god's movement is happening in the world whether i see it or know it or write about it or not!

Audrey

sermon time

2012-02-22T12:52:00.002-05:00

“If you Choose…”

Mark 1:40-45

February 12, 2012

The lonely hospital room isfilled with cards and flowers while beeps of the machine keep him alive. She marvels at his bedside by the many nursesand gadgets reminding her that he is not alone. She hears the clicks working hard to help him breathe while the medicineis slowly dispensed through the iv

if you choose dear god, youcould heal him, she feels whispering through her body– an unceasing prayer –

if you choose...

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the war rages on and bombshave become like background noise. Everything is infused with the war – music, television, moviesand family dynamics are affected. Thefights increase at night as the kids get older – with a world too unsafe toallow any freedom. Truthfully, safety issomething of a distant memory. It feelsas if nothing will ever change. We readabout bold promises by political leaders daily but what do they matter if noone listens. Hope is as dark as a closedoff tunnel

a mother's prayer echoes fromhomes - if you choose god, you could heal us – you can take these moments ofbitterness and these feelings of unease for all of our children's safety. You are the one with the power..

because it is surely not us

if you choose...

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he sits on his knees wonderingif this is the end. Hands opened out toGod – there is little that he can do. No one hears him crying andhis signs of distress are ignored. helies in wait wondering when it will change.

If you choose, you can helpme, he prays earnestly

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we all know something ofdarkness, do we not?

– the loneliness

– the pain

– the time wheneasy answers seem far from our ears or our lips

– when the lightsgo out and we are all alone – or at least we feel like we are–

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The darkness we are met within the first century this morning is defined by both physical and social pain.

Unlike the healings describedearlier in this chapter, this particular healing gives us clues to anadditional dimension of need. We aretold specifically this person is a leper.

Now this could range from anything between a chronic rashor a serious debilitating disease. Theword “leper” doesn't clue us into the severity of the man's physical pain.

but the consequences of that skin disease are great.

It is just enough information to know that this man wasmore than just a person struggling with that disease.

He was the disease.

Leprosy then was a great stigma - all one's identities(jewish, male, adult, husband, son, funny, happy, sweet...etc) paled in comparisonwith this one trait: leper. His wholeidentity had become the disease

the customs at thetime mandated that a person with leprosy was unclean – no one should touch himfor fear of him making the rest of us unclean too. He could not be part of the common life atthe temple.

And healing had a price – an offering to the priests that he obviously did not have.

Maybe he had already spent all his money trying to behealed. Or perhaps he never had money inthe first place.

“if you choose....” wehear the man say to the new teacher on the scene.

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if you choose not to look at me as a skin disease

; to give up your desire tofollow customs and instead follow your heart

; to ignore the money that isrightly yours for helping me

;to risk your own identitiesand cleanlinesss

;to risk looking bad whenperhaps you can't heal me!

if you choose to use whatpower you have to help me...

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it is hard to admit that weneed help... it is hard to admit it to ourselves let alone to others - that wecannot do it on our own

Sometimes we try to do toomuch – we think we can handle it all – take care of him, take care our house,all of those projects, and we hate to admit that there is something that isslipping by – be it the laundry or our own care of our bodies or healthycooking... or just a pleasantness thatwe have not had in a long time.

sometimes just admitting weneed help is the hardest-

“if you choose, you could helpdo the laundry or wash the kids;

if you choose, you could helpme with this project at church or at work...”

the man with leprosyknew he could not do it on his own and he made his request very clear.

If you choose, you canmake me clean

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I recently heard a true storyabout a woman who was frustrated that her husband was spending so much time atwork. She talked about how she tried toget him to change his behavior. “I askedhim not to spend so much time at work. Three weeks later, he responded by announcing that he'd signed up for agolf tournament!” she had successfullycommunicated to him what she did not want – his spending so much time at work –but had failed to request what she did want.

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clear requests are not such aneasy thing to make

As Marshall Rosenberg says,“The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likelyit is that our needs will be met”(74)

not only does it require ourown vulnerability to acknowledge a pain or deficit we are experiencing

but there is also a clarityneeded about what is wanted....

make me clean.

and this takes vulnerability too

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If you choose

make me clean.

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and in the end – it is always onlya request

and we wait to find out theanswer

• in the moments between the beeps ofthe heart monitor

• in the empty silences of difficultconversations after that awful fight

• in those moments when we know wecannot do it all, and we wonder – willhe come through? Did she understand Ineeded help? Was I clear?

If you choose, you can make meclean

it is in that silence afterthe man with leprosy has emptied himself God shows up

moved with pity, Jesustouches him.

a number of scholars think thebetter reading of this passage would be “moved with anger”... the verb in GreekI am not going to say it- (splagchnizomai ) literally refers to having one's intestinesturn. As one commentary I read said,“the feeling described is more than a superficial kind of sympathy – Jesus isdeeply moved.”

no doubt his intestines wouldhave turned both by the pain the man felt and also the deaf ears his requesthad fallen on for so many years ....

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some recent studies provedthat those feelings of empathy are not unique to Jesus.

In one study, scientists “used a tool called functional magnetic resonance imaging(fMRI) to monitor the brain activity of 14 men as they watched short movies ofpeople smelling pleasant, disgusting and neutral odors. Brain activity was alsomonitored while participants themselves smelled a variety of odors.” what the research found was that the brain respondedto the disgust feelings in the exact same way whether they themselves weresmelling something stinky or if they were watching someone else take a whiff ofsomething stinky.

And what's more - it wasinstantaneous! Watching people experience something disgusting made theparticipants feel it disgusting at the exact same time. In other words - we are all hard-wired toempathize with others. - for our insides to turn when others are in pain....that is not just a Jesus thing.

And yet so often feeling otherpeople's pain and truly listening to them is so very difficult for us.

We come up with ways toprotect ourselves from their pain

– We rationalizethat their pain is not real – it cannot really feel that badly for them, can it?

– We blame them fortheir own pain – we stigmatize their condition so that we can turn off ouraching stomachs

– Or we blame otherpeople so that rather than respond to the person in need or the pain, wereframe their needs in a world where it is someone else's problem.

And then we numb our ownfeelings of regret or guilt – through addictions – sometimes benign andsometimes life altering.

We are experts in the manyways of defensiveness!

But Jesus does none ofthat. Instead of allowing all of his owndefenses to protect himself from the pain; instead of worrying first about theinstitution that he was changing, he seems to have an open heart to this manwho has reached out to him.

Chinese philosopher Chuang –Tzu states that true empathy requires listening with the whole being. He says, “...when the faculties are empty,then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is rightthere before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with themind.”

I believe this is the kind oflistening Jesus was able to do when that man stretched out his hand and askedto be healed.

Emptied of all expectation ofthose around him who would tell him not to listen to this man, emptied of hisown fear of contracting a social disease or the actual disease,

Jesus allowed himself to befilled only with compassion and was deeply moved.

He immediately reached out hishand and touched the man saying, “i dochoose. Be made clean.”

This touch did more than healthe man with leprosy. It connected the two men so that there wasno difference between them.

The touch must have beenelectrifying

The man with leprosy wasimmediately healed and Jesus was changed as well. He would no longer be able to move about thecountryside with freedom.

If you choose....

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I have a new favorite showthat is about people who live together but are very different. Half of the characters have tremendouswealth, and the other half of the characters are extremely poor- they wait onthe characters with wealth. Through the service of the poor to the rich,relationships are forged.

In one scene, a wealthyteenage daughter finds out her maid wants to change career paths from being a maidservantto a secretary. The maid is afraid toeven speak her dream aloud, but she is found out when her typewriter isdiscovered. The young maid shares withher ladyship that she was not reared to dream of anything because dreams do notcome true for people like her. And theyoung debutante responds, “Well that is why we have to work together becausenow your dream has become my dream, and it will come true.”

If you choose....

The man standing in need ischanged by Jesus' choice,

and Jesus' ministry was changed forever...

This is the story of our faith…

We cannot always predict wherewe will hear a yes and sometimes it will only feel like no’s

Sooften, we find ourselves wondering if God could be present at all – in a worldthat would allow injustice,

Whenproblems seem constant.

Choosingto make ourselves vulnerable and to even be open to God’s presence can feelnaïve at best and setting us up for failure at worst

But this is the story of ourfaith

We learn to empty outour needs by speaking them, andso emptied, we listen with our whole hearts

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There will be dark Fridays

- times wondering what will happen in thisrelationship

in this war….

Inthis time of unease…

This isthe story of our faith - we lift up ourselves again and again and again...and

and in those pregnant silenceswhere we wait between beeps in a hospital room

and we wait in the silence ofa tense relationship

this is our faith - we livewith an expectant hope that

God will show up. God will be there. God will be present.

As our psalmist rejoices this morning (Psalm 30):

I will extol you, O Lord,for you have drawn me up,
   and did not let my foes rejoice over me.
2 O Lord myGod, I cried to you for help,
   and you have healed me.
3 O Lord,you brought up my soul from Sheol,
   restored me to life from among those gone down to thePit.

11 You have turned my mourning into dancing;
   you have taken off my sackcloth
   and clothed me with joy,
12 so that my soul may praise you and not be silent.
   O Lord myGod, I will give thanks to you for ever.

Brothers and sisters – this is the story of our faith… in the darkest hours, in the times of our greatestvulnerability, let us celebrate the brave witness of one man with leprosy as wejoin him in prayer together amen.

(*Portions of stories come from Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication)

Seek Ye First The Kingdom of God

2012-02-08T14:57:00.002-05:00

You know - I justwanted to do a post about how much i forget some times that i am partof this thing called church. It is a funny thing that we cometogether and call ourselves church - I don't care whatcongregation you belong to - I think the practice of being church isfunny. We come together to share the inner parts of ourselvesbecause theoretically we all believe our insides are connected to anouter being outside this world. We will call this outer thing "God". While often church can become a place where we share only ouroutside faces for the world, it is not supposed to be that... Andyet so often it is. So when in a recent conversation I waspoked into a deeper faith commitment, i realized that we are actinglike church more than even i can see at times.

In a recentconversation about nothing in particular, my regular woes about lifewere put into perspective. It was not the kind thing where Irealized that my complaints were self-centered because in the greatscheme of things I have a lot to be grateful for. This isalways a good thing to remember. But instead, I was reminded bya short sentence by someone who was not intending to teach me a"lesson" that our call as Christians is not about richesand "things". it got me to really thinking moredeeply about something i am always trying to be and live moreauthentically: While at times I want more, if I stop worrying so muchand instead strive for the kingdom (Luke 12:22,30-31), how much morefulfilled will I be?

Maybe it struck mein this conversation because of the Tuesday Bible study I am part ofthat is going through the book of Luke. Each Tuesday, we arechallenged by Jesus' words to his followers. If they don'tchallenge you, you should read them again - especially if you claimthe Word has any authority on your life! Or maybe it has to dowith a book I am reading by Richard Rohr which talks about how thequestion of what it means to follow Jesus and whether one can havewealth or not was NOT a question until it became an empire religionin AD 313. He describes early church writing beforeChristianity ruled the empire. The message was clear. He says:

"The Shepherdof Hermas, written around AD 120, gives us the image of thechurch as a tower built of white round stones that are not suitablefor use in construction. They are not rejected, but they areput away to one side. He said these stones representthose believers who are still relying upon their wealth andsuccess and therefore cannot really build this new community. They cannot really be used until they have been reshapedand something has been taken from them. Thatsomething, he says, is their wealth".

It is helpful tofigure out how to follow this Christ person in community. Iknow this, I believe this, and I have given my life to helping toenact truth in the world through our church. But I forget iton occasion. And it is nice when I am reminded - even inthe most innocuous ways that not only can i do this Christ-followerthing but that there are people in my midst who are living it and canhelp me along when i fall short of a vision of how to do it.

I am thankful formy church family for these moments. I am thankful for areminder that church is, indeed, a place where our insides can cometogether to better learn how best to follow this God thing we allagree has aspirations for our lives. And hopefully as Icontinue to strive first for the kingdom, my stones will become morevaluable to building the church as well.

Newsletter article on forgiveness...

2012-02-07T15:30:00.003-05:00

What does it mean to forgive? Does itmean to set aside differences and to go forward? Can these things bethe same?

Forgiveness is sooften on the tip of our tongues as Christians. We proclaim with joythe wonder of God's decision to forgive us over and over again. Wehear the number of times we are to forgive offered by Jesus (70 times7), and often we believe it to be something we do perfunctorily –as part of our nature as people of faith. Sometimes we sayforgiveness but we mean “forgetfulness”, “vengeance” orperhaps even worse – “nothingness”. Whether we are aligningourselves up for a time when we can pretend we were not wronged(which in my mind will only set ourselves up to be wronged again!),or want to hurt others as we hurt, or whether we just offer emptyplatitudes that mean nothing, forgiveness is greater than these.

As people of faith,we can look to stories in the Bible, which remind us that forgivenessis not that simple for God. How can it be simple for us?

The very firststories we have in which God is dealing with our own sinful naturestart at the beginning. In the book of Genesis, we are introduced toan understanding of what one of my professors called the “cycle ofevil” in which we humans participate. First we disobey about eatingthe fruit in the garden and then we lie about it. Then in anger andjealousy and unchecked emotions, we murder our brother (and then lieabout that too!). It is after that time that we stop paying anyattention to our relationship with God at all, and God gets sofrustrated that God floods the world, but saves the one family whowas good (Noah!). Then, at the peak of our evil, we decide not onlydo we not need God, we can be God if we just work together. Ourarrogance is met with the Tower of Babble falling and our own livesbeing thrown into confusion.

And the message weproclaim as people of faith is that despite our sinful tendencies,God continues to offer forgiveness to us.

What is thisforgiveness and why do we always deserve it?

I think of thenatural consequences of those first sins. I think of the trust thatthe people broke with God when they not only did something wrong butlied about it: they lost God's implicit trust and a life ofconnection with each other and the world. I also think of the firstsons who had sibling rivalry and could not control their anger. AfterCain kills Abel, he loses his relationship with his family. Ashumanity's ability to do evil increases, there is a greater abilityof God to respond to this evil. Soon, we see God destroy the peoplewe know God loves so much with the great flood. But this does not fixour nature and leaves God only with regret. Finally as the peoplerealize there is no need for God for together they can build a towerto the gods, our God, Yahweh, does a final act against this evil. Hedestroys the tower and scatters the people throughout the world andthrows the world into confusion.

At first glance,Yahweh does not always seem to be offering forgiveness. God’sresponses to the wrongs humanity commits do seem both emotional andcallous. At the same time, what we see over and over again isYahweh’s decision to continue to be in relationship. While thereare repercussions for each wrong act, nothing humanity does stopsGod's decision to be in relationship with us.

As people of faith,we are constantly learning what it means to follow this God who lovesand forgives – especially when we do not deserve it. As we look toour faith, perhaps forgiveness is not always as pretty as we want itto be. Just hearing the phrase 70 times 7 might make it seem like itis supposed to be easy; it is my hope and prayer that in all placesin life where forgiveness is difficult, we can see with God's eyesthe love for ourselves. And through answering that love, we can learnto become little Christs that we might also forgive. It is notcheap, and it is not easy. It is something that only can comefrom God’s love and begins with that desire to continue to be inrelationship and the desire to forgive. And perhaps we will be ableto see how we might continue relationship with one another.

dastardly internet

2012-01-05T10:42:00.000-05:00

Here is my problem with you Internet -

Every time I go online to do something quickly, you pique my interest. I want to go to facebook to find an email address and you point my way to a hilarious conversation between my divinity school buddies. When I decide to go looking for information about a shoe I need, I end up researching not only shoes, but every kind of ultra-marathon runner that ever was. And then I want to learn more about the experience of the author of Born to Run, and instead of finding a lot of information, I find advertisements. Internet - I am mad at you. I now almost completely forget why I got on here and instead of trying to remember, I am writing a blog post about this whole experience.

I think this is what happens when it becomes to easy to read, write, and shop. There are brilliant programmers taking advantage of my desire to see bright, shiny objects.

And oh yes - I must go and get those email addresses to update our data base on our work computer.

Internet - you elude me and yet I need you.

Help me to get away from you in this year and yet also be able to do all the things you promise me over and over again -
oh - I have to run - I just saw that someone beat my high score in Bejeweled.

~ Audrey

Ringin' the Bell

2011-12-20T10:12:00.000-05:00

My mom shared with me that Mom-Mom and Pop used to ring the bell together when I told her that I was on my way to ring the bell last night at the Kroger on Linkhorne Road. I did not know her parents were bell ringers, but I shared with her that my memories of ringing the bell included singing carols and being goofy with her friend Mary Wood and her at the Kroger entry way in Bowling Green, Ohio when I was in high school.

Ironically, I am not a big fan of the bell ringers when I walk into Kroger. I am one of those people who usually looks down. I feel guilty if i do not have any cash or loose change to put in the coffer, and then I some times feel mad that I feel bad. It is crazy. When I took over the bell ringing from a staff person from the Spiritual Life Office at Lynchburg College, I observed her ease with just wishing people a merry Christmas and enjoying her time. I decided I would try to emulate her. What i learned is that a shared space with strangers going into a Kroger can actually be pretty special.

I tried the previous ringer's technique of giving a sincere Merry Christmas to people whether they looked like they were in a rush or not. Nine times out of Ten, people would look up, smile and pleasantly wish me a Merry Christmas back. I was surprised by the graciousness of perfect strangers. One car drove up with Virginia plates but an Ohio State emblem. I struck up a conversation with him about being from Ohio and we had a pleasant time while talking about our positive impressions of Lynchburg despite being from such a great state! Another man wore shorts and a short sleeve shirt. When I told him he looked cold, he stopped and told me about "real cold" in Canada and we ended up having a nice conversation. There were a few people who completely ignored me, and I chalked them up to being exactly like me when I see a bell ringer. I took no offense, but had a good time thinking about the people going by. There was one man who seemed very drunk and very friendly. He gave to the kettle and smiled while walking back to his car with a lot of beer. I offered a quick prayer for him as he went on his way. And there was only one woman on her cell phone. I ignored her completely as the mutual space between us seemed to dissipate with the phone conversation. I also chalked this person to be exactly like me.

In the end, I think the kettle got some good money that hour. It was the last shift of the day and one person commented that it looked like we did good considering the money was floating to the top. I agreed and told him thank you for his donation as well.

I am grateful for the Christmas spirit being passed along the last night while ringing at the Salvation Army Kettle. For the first time I saw that whether people gave or not, the ministry of the Salvation Army spread love and warmth between people by just being there and introducing a reason we all celebrate the season together - to help others.

I hope you all are finding ways of getting in touch with the spirit of Christmas in your own lives.

advent reflection and wider church critique

2011-12-03T16:24:00.001-05:00

From Richard Rohr and today's devotion:

"The recognition of the Big Picture is probably as rare in our age as it was in the time of Jesus. Why should it be any different? Even the twelve apostles had trouble with it. It is never going to be popular. It is never going to be for the masses unless they are awake and aware. Otherwise, they will usually substitute a perfect society, heaven or the church for the True and Big Picture. We live in the in-between and with an excess of hope because there is just enough of 'now' to assure us of the 'not yet'.

Jesus gave the world a counter-intuitive message that is necessary for depth and ongoing reform in all of the worlds religions. He was a radical reformer of this own Jewish religion, and in that, all religions, which normally follow Judaism's classic patterns of both getting the message and utterly opposing their own message. Unfortunately, we applied all of Jesus' criticisms (see Matthew 23) to 'those incorrigible and hard hearted Jews' and forgot that the same criticisms apply to Catholicism, Orthodoxy and every Protestant reform of the last five hundred years. We are each and all now and not yet, and we all live in the in-between.
In today's Gospel, Jesus appears to be reaching out to the 'lost sheep of the house of Israel' and trying to bring them back to authentic Judaism (not at that point, to a new religion!), but that authenticity itself became Christianity or 'the good news' for many who were awake and aware. Yet now we can join 'the New Israel' and still be lost sheep all over again because the patterns of delusion are the same in very age and every religion..

What misperceptions do you have about God's kingdom? What perspectives do you need to gain?"

It is a timely entry that Rohr writes for me personally. I am both reading Thomas Merton's autobiography: The Seven Storey Mountain and thinking about my own understanding of the nature of God and the function of the church. Rohr reminds me of the gift of authenticity that Jesus brings to all institutions - whether the church or our society. I see that God's' light shines brightly despite our institutions and also helps us to see how to live better in the not yet.

As a member and minister in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), I see the biggest problem within our American-born religious institution to be individualism. Our denomination was born on the American frontier while we were defining ourselves against the "old country" (or more accurately the "old countrIES"). With a demand for our own rights, liberties, and pursuits of happiness as well as religion, the ethos of the Disciples church fits well within our country. We trumpet an understanding that each person can communicate with God directly and we do not hold just one interpretation for the Bible. We celebrate the many different ways to view the Bible, Jesus, and God. We tend to forget about the Holy Spirit, but we celebrate the Holy Spirit in all of our own diversity as well.

In every congregation I worshiped as a Disciple, I have heard a resounding openness of the Table during the Lord's Supper for all people. Now, our denomination is spending considerable resources in time and money in helping it to reflect more the kingdom of heaven. We have a reconciliation ministry trying to help confront and eradicate institutional racism in the church and in society. Click here to learn about it if you are interested.

I share all of this because it is not that we are doing nothing as a denomination outside our individual selves. We are a justice-loving people and we have many great ministry opportunities that help us get outside of our selves.

But the rock on which these actions and organizations rely is an understanding of faith that is extremely individualistic in nature and form. Indeed, our best preacher, Fred Craddock, wrote As One Without Authority, which outlines the importance of engaging listeners with dignity when preaching on the Bible. If we understand that all people must arrive at the text with their own personal wrestling of the text, then that means the art of preaching means engaging this wrestling in a real way so that the listener might feel as compelled to make the Gospel alive in their lives as did the original preacher and hearers.

This understanding has always been the bedrock of my own personal faith. However, from where I stand, I see this bedrock most lacking an understanding of what it means to be church. As a good Disciple member and preacher, I am a firm believer in scripture as being both prescriptive and descriptive. In fact, I left divinity school with a definite belief not only in the importance of spending time with scripture in order to grow closer with God, but also, the importance of spending time with scripture in diverse groups. I am sure that if I listen for how God speaks through scripture alone, I will miss what speaks loudest to my neighbor, which my own salvation may need. And I have spent a lot of time in groups listening for God's word in scripture and watching both how it transforms my life personally and how it transforms other individuals and the group that is listening together. God definitely speaks through scripture.

But where my low polity church does not challenge me as readily to listen for God is through itself - the Church with a capital "C". It is true that we welcome all people to the Table every Sunday. It is true that we come together once per week for worship. We gather our resources for mission and outreach. We pay our gas and light bills together for our space. But if anyone every said to me that grace is dispensed from the church, I would have bucked against this. No - grace comes from God and God alone. And the church is simply a vehicle through which we exercise that grace to others. The church holds all of us in all of our individuality and it is through God that we stay together. Indeed, even our founders of our church hated the word sacrament and did not believe that God would connect us directly through an action of the church. Instead, we have ordinances as we simulate what Jesus did in baptism and Communion.

As I write this, I have to say - that sounds pretty good to me. Still, I say all this leading up to these points -

1) the Bible is a document that in every iteration written, was to be read and heard by groups of believers.

2) Matthew 18:20 : "Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am among them" reminds us of the importance not in our personal faith but in the faith we share and presence of God that is here when we are not alone.

3) This is probably the most contentious point - prizing individual understanding of our faith above a communal understanding of our faith in the church is flawed. I wonder if this point is contentious or not actually. I see the Disciples lean into our history of individualism as a way both to have unity of thought and a way to have cohesion as a church. We are famous for "agreeing to disagree". As a person who fights for the equality of lesbians, gays, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth and adults, I have found an inherent problem of inequality within a system of thought that relativizes all viewpoints. I also submit that our denomination's reliance on each congregation's ability to discern their own understanding of how God relates to LGBTQ people to be a limiting of God. It is misguided at best and atrocious at worst. As Mel White likened discernment to sitting around the table with african american children in a debate as to whether God fully loves them to be completely disgusting, I wonder why we think that god would ever stand for homophobia in any congregation, any nation, or any group of people. While a case can be made for the far-reaching affects of homophobia in the world (and no simply individualism), I believe the root sin to be our idol of individualism.

What does this mean?
Today it may mean nothing. it means as i read richard rohr, i am thankful for the acknowledgement that we are not to worship our flawed church anyway... that this God thing is bigger than our own representations even though we can do amazing things when we try. it means i am still thankful for alexander campbell and barton stone and all the leaders that have allowed me to have the faith i do have in a flawed church. but it also means that i am grateful for the freedom to still question it.

how do you go from questioning life and faith to building a life of faith and church of faith?
that is the question i live with every day. i certainly hope to instill both this question and answers in the people i minister with and to. and i hope we all learn together how to build the church together that it might be as one... no one group of individuals, but truly one group of people who all drink from the same well.

as i read thomas merton, i am tempted to follow him to catholic conversion land of which he makes make sense of so well. who knows - perhaps i will be fondly looking back on this blog as a step along the journey from a convent.

but i don't think so.

i think for now, i will continue to do my best to be in touch with this living god and listen for how i might make real my response to God in my life...

i am a disciple in so many ways. as i read merton, my kurt vonnegut bookmark holds my spot. two writers i aspire to be like when i am old with very different belief systems and yet very similar understandings of the importance of contribution to society based on closely held beliefs.

over and out during this season of waiting.

Beautiful View

2011-12-02T19:17:00.001-05:00

I went to the mountains today. It was a nice way to spend an afternoon!

I am thankful for the stillness that happens when you are above. Don't those mountains just look amazing? The beauty that surrounds us in Lynchburg is just amazing.

Advent devotional

2011-12-01T11:53:00.001-05:00

My mom got me a book called Preparing for Christmas by Richard Rohr. If you don't have a mom that gets you books like this for Advent, you really should consider letting my mom adopt you. I read the devotion for today, and I want to share it with you. It reminded me of how much church can often mess things up, but God never does.

Rohr first takes Isaiah 26:1-6 and then Matthew 7:21,24-27. Below is the Isaiah text and part of the Matthew text.

Isaiah 26
On that day this song will be sung in the land of Judah:
We have a strong city;
   he sets up victory
   like walls and bulwarks.
² Open the gates,
   so that the righteous nation that keeps faith   may enter in. ³ Those of steadfast mind you keep in peace—   in peace because they trust in you. ⁴ Trust in the Lord for ever,   for in the Lord God    you have an everlasting rock. ⁵ For he has brought low   the inhabitants of the height;   the lofty city he lays low.He lays it low to the ground,   casts it to the dust. ⁶ The foot tramples it,   the feet of the poor,   the steps of the needy.

Matthew 7:21
21 ‘Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord”, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only one who does the will of my Father in heaven.

Then Rohr says the following that blew my socks off:

" If we try to make the church into the kingdom of God, we create idolatry. I suspect that is what Jesus means by the 'Lord, Lord' line. If we try to make this world itself into the kingdom, we will always be resentful and disappointed. If we make heaven into the kingdom, we miss most of its trans formative message. We are not waiting for the coming of an ideal church or any perfect world here and now, or even just for the next world. The kingdom is more than all of these. It is always here and not here. It is always now and not yet. No institution can encompass it. That is rather clear in the texts where Jesus describes the kingdom. All false religion proceeds in a certain sense from one illusion. When people say piously, 'Thy kingdom come' out of one side of their mouth, they need also to say, 'My kingdom go!' out of the other side. The kingdom of God supersedes and far surpasses all kingdoms of self and society or personal reward.

As Jesus says in another place, 'No one can serve two masters, he will always love one and ignore the other' (Matthew 6:24). Our first and final loyalty is to one kingdom: God's or our own. We really can't fake it. The Big Picture is apparent that when God's work and will is central,and we are happy to take our place in the corner of the frame. This is 'doing the will of my Father in heaven' and allows the larger theater of life and love to unfold.

I believe Jesus was teaching a larger version of what many of us say today when we say that we must 'think globally and act locally.' Because I am a part of the Big Picture, I do matter and substantially so. Because I am only a part, however, I am rightly situated off to stage right - and happily so. What freedom there is in such truth! We are inherently important and included, yet not burdened with manufacturing or sustaining that private importance. Our dignity is given by God, and we are freed from ourselves!

Yet it gets bigger and better because the proclamation of the kingdom of God frees us from social idolatries too. We can't keep saying 'Thy kingdom come' when we are actually trusting in our own nations, political parties, militaries, banks and institutions to save us. On some level, they have to be relativized too if the Big Kingdom is ever going to come, which is why Pope John Paul II so often spoke of 'structural sin' and 'institutional evil.' We might 'use' the systems of this world, I hope wisely, but we never 'believe' in them. We only believe in God! Any universal church, any truly 'catholic' people should be first in line to understand this: 'Come, Lord Jesus' means we do not spend too much time trusting that other 'Lordships' will ever finally save us. What kingdoms do you need to let go of before you can enjoy the kingdom of heaven?"

Wow. May we listen for God's kingdom through this season and trust in the steadfast love of our God and King.

We are in a season of waiting as Advent begins

2011-11-28T16:00:00.001-05:00

The church year started yesterday with the dawning of the season of Advent. As the person who prepared the children's sermon, I had so many themes from which to choose. I thought that I might talk about how the Christian calendar came about. Or maybe I would talk about waiting (which is where I ended up), or it could be that I concentrate on what it means to be in darkness knowing that God is with us in some mysterious way.

The kids ended up hearing me try to relate the waiting that we do during Advent to the waiting that we have with growing plants. I don't know if they "got it" or not, but as always, it helped me to appreciate more deeply this process of waiting we are in as we grow and learn together while relying on God.

As a pastor during this church season, I am amazed by how much the church calendar speaks to us, as a people. We wait for the long days of summer, we wait for the cold isolation of winter to pass, and we wait to see how God is guiding us out into the world. And the waiting is not one that we can bring along. We can water ourselves (as we would a plant), but only God does the growth. There is only so much we can do but tend to the plant, give it good soil, light, and just the right amount of rain.

And we wait.

We wait for for things to get better.
We wait for our lives to straighten out.
We wait for relationships to get better or clarity as to what to do about them.
And in the discomfort of darkness, we somehow get comfortable enough to wait while also breathing easy, taking care of ourselves, and devoting ourselves to God.

Waiting to me is a lot like the Bikram Yoga classes I love. They are 90 minute classes in a 104 degree room while the participants work very hard. It can feel overwhelming, but when I learned how to calmly breathe through the hard parts of class, I find the 90 minutes passes quickly. And it is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. And I always find afterward that I have grown in flexibility and strength afterward as well as mental stamina.

Waiting in darkness can bring great things when we learn to tolerate the discomfort and listen for God in the waiting.

I encourage you all to actively wait through this season with me. Use this time to listen more closely for the presence of God already with you. Perhaps during this time you will find yourself letting go of the anxiety of making a perfect family, or making the right amount of money, or writing just the right words, or saying just the right things in those difficult situations in life. And just maybe through the waiting, you will allow yourself to listen for God instead of performing for God. And when we do celebrate together God with us, perhaps you will be able to allow a little, tiny, baby to guide you.

I found a good daily devotional that I am going to try to use to get into the Advent Way this season. I encourage you to find something that speaks to you. Here is a link to the one I liked today: http://www.d365.org/followingthestar/

Let us wait together!

December Newsletter Article

2011-11-22T17:37:00.001-05:00

As the winter winds blow into Lynchburg, I am reminded of how lucky I am to have a bed, walls to protect me, and heat. Just a little over two years ago, I bore responsibility at an agency helping people attain permanent housing and stay in housing in Knoxville, Tennessee. It continues to astound me how grateful I am for my own housing and how devastating it can be to go without.

The people I met in the Refuge at the Volunteer Ministry Center (VMC) had various struggles. Some battled addiction, others mental illness, and still others from repercussions of actions taken or not taken in their lives by their parents or loved ones. It is a difficult thing to work with people in tremendous need. On occasion, the pain of others’ afflictions can be so terrible that the helper might choose to block the pain rather than feel the pain with the person in need. And at times, the volunteers I worked with (and myself) would find comfort in the “blame game”. There were agencies to blame for people’s problems, there were always individual choices by our clients we could blame, and some times the more extreme would blame God. After all, if it is all in God’s hands and God allowed this to happen, then perhaps God has ordained it to happen in some way and it is all God’s fault. Right?

At the end of the day, the hardest part for us was learning how to deal with the pain we witnessed each time we came into the VMC. As a group, we shared the understanding that our homes were extravagant, that there were people in our city in deep need, and that most people who we walked with in our lives would not “get it”.

I think of one middle-aged woman who came in to the VMC because she was out of medicine to prevent her seizures. After losing consciousness while at the Refuge, she “came to” while yelling expletives at us in a dazed state. She was used to having to defend herself against her neighbors in her homeless camp after having seizures and was so disoriented that she thought she might have to defend herself with us as well. I think of the young adult with a demonic tattoo on her forehead and her dazed eyes. She shared that a cult had tattooed her and she wandered in and out of Knoxville going to God only knows where. I think of a man who shared with me that he needed a bus ticket to get to a rehab program in Mississippi . Another agency paid for the rehab program, but he could not afford just getting there. He shared with me about prison, his kids, and his hope of beating the addiction before we eventually got him on the bus heading south.

I am thankful for those who are courageous enough to have the vulnerability to share their pain with the “helpers” in Knoxville. And I am thankful for the volunteers’ ability to receive the pain without blaming, yelling, or avoiding the pain. Instead, they assess with compassion the best way to respond and with the knowledge of the agencies in town, they give whatever form of assistance they can to end our friends’ homelessness or help our friends remain in permanent housing.

All of these memories come flooding back to me as we enter a new season of harsh weather. It is my humble prayer that through these cold winds of winter we may find ways of sharing the warmth of our shelters in meaningful ways. Probably we will not offer literal shelter to a person in need. (Certainly this was frowned upon at the Refuge as a way of losing boundaries with people in need.) Our version of sharing shelter may begin with simply listening to the pain with compassion that has both caused friends and neighbors to be in the cold and not avoiding the pain with the “blame game”. And perhaps with our own personal knowledge and faith, we might be able to gently suggest ways of helping our neighbors exit the cold and find a warm place to weather the storms of life.

Prayers be with you all through this season of Thanksgiving!

Audrey

2011-11-17T15:59:00.001-05:00

I am grateful for prayer time with the Mumford and Sons over a run. Here are some lyrics to share below:

Timshel:
Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can't move the mountains for you

Thistle & Weeds :

Spare me your judgements and spare me your dreams
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind
Alone in the wind and the rain you left me
It's getting dark darling, too dark to see
And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems

Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown
I know you have felt much more love than you've shown
And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest

But plant your hope with good seeds
Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds
Rain down, rain down on me
Look over your hills and be still
The sky above us shoots to kill
Rain down, rain down on me

But I will hold on
I will hold on hope

I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones
Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves
But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made

But plant your hope with good seeds
Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds
Rain down, rain down on me

Sermon at MTSO

2011-11-08T14:59:00.001-05:00

Sermon Preached at Tuesday Chapel at Methodist Theological School in Ohio as part of a three week series entitled “Silent No More” shaped around a re-kick-off of their Gay-Straight-Alliance November 8, 2011

“Become You”
Psalm 139

I am not sure of all of the dialogue that went into coordinating all of the worships and speakers this week on campus... perhaps in some conversations, I might have overheard

Is-this-really-an-issue?
What-if-the-alums-get-upset?
Shouldn't we leave this for-individual-churches-and-denominations-to-fight out?
Why trouble the campus with this topic?
Why-are-we-making-people-issues-anyway?
Why-haven't-we-done-this-earlier?
This-is-not-the-time-in-the-seminary-to-tackle-such-a-thing-we-need-to-think-about... you fill in the blank.

Talking about sexuality in church requires all of us to come out of the closet of our own prejudices, fears, questions, and uncomfortableness so that we can say together in this sacred space:

All of us are created in God's image – no matter our sexuality or identities.
Dan Savage does not have a “lock” on the idea the “it gets better” campaign

We are also here is because one of the main perpetrators of hate speech against lesbians, gays, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, and questioning people (LGBTIQQ) comes from us: our religious institutions.

Some of you might say:
but I am from a welcoming or open and affirming denomination
- or -
I'm open and affirming
- or -
or my church is special.

This isn't my problem – it is THEIR problem....

We all sit here together in a world rampant with homophobia. With suicides on the rise in the LGBTIQQ community, the institution of marriage still blocked here in Ohio, in a world where to be gay is okay as long as you sing and dance and make us laugh and not point to the sad injustices that exist in our world.

All of us sit here together.

Unable to hide from any of it as we listen to this psalm this morning...
-------------------------------------------------

You know when we sit down and when we rise up;
you discern our thoughts from far away.
You search out my path and my lying down,
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
O Lord, you know it completely. (Psalm 139:1-4)

For me, I am here after a long time of hiding
- Thinking I could evade myself
- or that I could evade god.

C.S. Lewis likened following God’s call to a man in a boat who is rowing seemingly in circles. It is when he sees an arrow and follows it that he has what we might call a “born again” experience. Lewis makes clear that first arrow is important, but it is not the last. After that first arrow, there are more arrows given that the person in the boat must continue to look for and follow.

One of the first significant arrows in my life was in the decision to enter divinity school. It led in a fantastic experience where I was also able to see many more arrows along my journey.

My first time coming to a seminary happened when I was about five or six. After working with youth at Northwest Christian Church in Columbus, my mom decided to take a couple of classes here at Methesco to be a better youth minister. She realized God had different ideas for her after a semester or so and was soon a full-time student and then ordained into ministry.

You can imagine that since I had already been to seminary with my mom = attending Peanuts plays, going to her graduation, and playing with her classmates kids (those are my main memories here!), I felt I had already been there and done that!

Ok – not entirely true, but I will say that the choice to enter seminary/divinity school was hard -- making sure I was not doing what everyone said to me: “i see you are going into the family business”....

Ack.

I did not want to follow anyone anywhere, but I did have this nudge… And after much discernment and conversation prayer and more conversation… I ended up at Vanderbilt Divinity School – a good place for anyone still wrestling with a “nudge” from God.
I fell in love with the course work, the ministries I participated in including summer missions, CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education), congregational internship, and working in a congregation abroad. The arrow to serve the church seemed bright neon after my experiences as a student in Nashville.

During my time there, I also fell in love with another woman. I say “another” woman because she was not the first and she would not be the last.... I had found women attractive first when I was in high school. It seemed unnatural and I tamped down those inconvenient feelings and tried to stay away from women I might find attractive. Then, in college I met another woman who I felt attracted to again. Once again, a terribly inconvenient thing as the friend was very straight and I was not about to ruin that friendship. Since then, I had avoided close friendships with women. But as I began to take myself more seriously, I began to take all parts of myself more seriously – even the ones I did not want.

The psalmist writes....

You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is so high that I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from your spirit?
Or where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. (Psalm 139:5-8)

Experiencing intense feelings about a woman while also living into my vocation helped me to see that those feeling were not bad. In fact, the intense love I felt was helping me to understand love between God and humanity …

Even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day,
for darkness is as light to you. (Psalm 139:12)

And as I wrestled with the darkness, in the darkness, I began to trust those feelings. I stopped hiding or running. Maybe this is what “normal” people experience when they fall in love, I thought. Perhaps this is not a problem. Maybe this means I am not straight at all and that is okay....

It was a scary thing to think and even scarier thing to say aloud. I found a trusted counselor who listened without prodding or poking and then a friend who just reaffirmed her love for me... And instead of the world collapsing, I began to feel more happy and alive – not less.

Maybe this is not something to run from.

For it was you who formed my inward parts;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; (Psalm 139:13-14a)

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
all the days that were formed for me,
when none of them as yet existed. (Psalm 139:15-16)

When the Christian Church in Ohio ordained me into Christian ministry – three and a half years after the start of following a wonderful arrow from God at Vanderbilt, I did not have all the answers figured out but was confident God would be with me as I lived through them. I found myself on the steps of First Christian Church Bowling Green, Ohio promising to love God’s people and serve in the entrusted role of minister with the help of God. I remember many things about that special day. One that stands out was when my mom presented a stole and said to me that she had been so fortunate in her ministry, and she hoped I had as many wonderful years in ministry in the church.

With so many amazing ministry experiences directly in my rear-view mirror, I could only see possibility and adventure in the church that raised me up and taught me how wonderful it is when you work with others for the glory of God.

I already accepted my first call as an associate minister in Knoxville, Tennessee – three hours east of my Alma Mater and close to recent grads and friends. The church hired me in large part because of my strong mission focus. They wanted to be better at reaching out to those on their doorstep who were homeless and those in their neighborhood who were different than them.

It was not an open and affirming church, but I reasoned that I was not entirely open and affirming either… Well - I was affirming, but not open. I remember sharing with the senior minister, Scott Rollins, my topic for my thesis at div school: “Why the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) should become Open and Affirming” in a one on one interview. He did not flinch. Instead, he shared with me how he had been taking the congregation’s spiritual leaders, the elders, through our denomination’s discernment process on that issue.

I had no idea what was ahead, but all directions pointed to ministry.
And all ministry I knew did not point to focusing on issues of sexuality.

….

I came out to my associate regional minister that first year in Knoxville while seeking advice about how to integrate my personal and professional life. More specifically, I wondered how to do church camp with integrity. I did not want to feel like I was putting the camp in a bad position as a lesbian pastor in a camp system that had no policy about LGBTIQQ counselors. She told me not to worry about church camp – just be myself and come! And she offered her friendship for the journey acknowledging there were no clear answers. “The road is made by walking, my friend,” she said.

I was outed to my senior pastor after six months in Knoxville and his response to this knowledge was a tongue lashing for not having shared earlier. Immediately, he tried setting me up with women, giving me advice on women, and be my most firm emotional and spiritual support throughout my time there.

It was these friendships and more which supported me when I wondered why I was putting myself in a situation where I needed to date in secret, when I listened to church leaders share that our church was not ready to be O&A or that homosexuality was against the bible (they were always the minority).

I could keep those people and those thoughts at a distance during that time in my life.
And it worked on me.

In those four and a half years of ministry, I learned a lot about transformation in a congregation as we worked with the Center for Parish Development. I saw small progress being made with the Tennessee Commission on Ministry for LGBTIQQ ministerial candidates going through the process as I sat on that committee – in the closet. I worked hard at my job doing Bible studies with the homeless and members of the church, starting two annual mission trips and local missions with the church, and developing a youth and children’s program. And I learned to spend time in retreat and prayer through a Lilly funded program for new ministries: the Bethany Fellowship. Often, I heard through prayer on those retreats a nudging from God to stop hiding.

And I chose what messages to receive from God. And which to send back. I found myself talking back to God in silent retreats-

Not yet. This isn’t the time.
It could destroy your church
It could destroy me
It could destroy my best friend and mentor, Scott.
Not now God
Not yet.
And I waited.
And I learned.
And I listened.

How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
I try to count them—they are more than the sand;
I come to the end—I am still with you. (Psalm 139:17-18)

I reasoned that the church I worked for was not O&A and neither was I.
The denomination of which I was part was not ready to confront issues of homophobia and neither was I.

And life kept on.

Finances for an associate minister in my church were dwindling due to no other cause but long-standing attrition and perhaps too much reliance on past savings. While I continued to grow and slowly felt myself become more and more O&A as a person, I also grew more and more discord within in my calling in Knoxville. I began interviewing for the perfect job where I could be an “out” minister and continue this vocation in the church.

And I would be patient.

Then, on Sunday, July 27th, 2008, a mentally disturbed man walked into the Unitarian Church in Knoxville with a shot-gun in his guitar case, he took it out, and began shooting people while yelling hateful things during the children’s performance of Annie. This particular morning, I was preaching and my partner opted to hear me instead of attending her regular service at that very Unitarian church where two people were killed and several injured before a member and hero wrestled the shooter to the floor.
The man with the gun, Jim Adkisson, planned on being shot by the police and left behind a manifesto that he was motivated to kill by hatred of Democrats, liberals, African Americans, and homosexuals. Apparently, his food stamps had been discontinued, and he blamed the liberals for the problems with the government not working as it should.

O that you would kill the wicked, O God,
and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—
those who speak of you maliciously,
and lift themselves up against you for evil!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies. (Psalm 139:19-22)

There are things that happen in life with results that we cannot see without time. I could not see it then, but this event in our community had a profound effect on me. I remember anger surging through me for the lack of solidarity with the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church. How could this tragedy not move “moderate” churches to stand in solidarity with those groups who are marginalized? Is not the entire church charged with standing with the oppressed – why is only the Unitarian Church sharing boldly with the public its love and acceptance for LGBTIQQ people (The United Church of Christ congregation too!). Adkisson was obviously disturbed, but the literature he left behind was common place in many homes: books by Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Michael Savage. Adkisson's logic of hate as a response to social problems and his homophobia was not bizarre in a society with media that perpetuates drama, debate, and divisiveness between groups. His extreme actions were.

PAUSE

At the same time, my attempt to find a church as an “out” minister was feeling futile. The church I served loved me but did not have enough money to support me. I was ready to leave as well as I outgrew their own brand of homophobia. But where would I go?

Interview after interview pained me more and more as I tried coming out at various stages in the interview process.

I also started to reach out the local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter in Knoxville and got to know the adults who were making a real difference in the lives of LGBTIQQ youth growing into themselves. I was so impressed with these kids with more courage than I had. And I heard over and over again stories echoed by these youth. Stories of violence, fear, hatred... The more I heard, the more I understood the misguided actions of Adkisson were being repeated over and over again all around us – through bullying at school, parents kicking children out, and churches connecting all the violence against LGBTIQQ to sin of LGBTIQQ persons, and churches just being silent...my church... had been silent...

I had been silent.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is any wicked way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

I waited to hear God's call when it was convenient for me. I expected the church to keep homophobia at bay so that I could have the career that I thought God wanted for me.

I had been silent.

As we gather together, celebrating new hopes here in the Methodist School in Ohio for all the church to be one and to share the good news for all people through a re-formation of a gay-straight alliance, I have nothing to share with you all but my own prayer of authenticity and hope for us – the faithful -
that we might have the courage to own those places in our lives and in our churches where we continue to struggle with homophobia and that we may have the bravery to do something about it.

If you are here today because you are struggling to come out or not to come out or to go into ministry or not, know that you are not alone. There is no place you can run from God and you are fearfully and wonderfully made. While I am by no means a person with any answers, I am along for the journey. And I would be happy to walk with you.

If you are here as one preparing for the ministry in whatever congregation or denomination, know that I am not alone. We are everywhere. We are in your churches, we are children, we are silent adults, we are elders, deacons, and we are often just outside the church, peering in and we are hungry. We are hungry for words of hope and encouragement and we are hungry for the knowledge that this is a safe place for us.

In the last year, finding an open and affirming church allowed me to do other kinds of ministry that I could not do “in the closet”. I organized congregations to speak out for people who are lesbian,gay, bisexual, trans, intersex, questioning, and queer so that they know there are welcoming faith communities in my current city of Lynchburg, Virginia on National Coming Out Day this year and last. My personal belief is that many churches understand all sexualities and identities are welcome in God’s eyes, but they need help in proclaiming it so the LGBTIQQ can hear the Good News. It is slow going - this year our list expanded to a neighboring Lutheran Church, the local synagogue, and parts of Lynchburg College including the spiritual life center. This has been a great joy to me personally and a wonderful way of building solidarity with those in the church most vulnerable to messages of self hatred.

This is something that I can do as a clergy in the community and as a person who likes to organize things! Other people in our community started LGBTIQQ Bible studies and still others hold monthly gatherings at a local Unitarian church for all people looking for safe space.

My friend Scott was not able to make our church in Knoxville open and affirming after I left for work in the non-profit sector. I never came out to the congregation while in ministry there, and with me gone, he tried hard. But most of the leadership disagreed that it was a good time to make those changes.

He did not stay there much long after . There were many reasons, but this was a significant one.
-------------------------------------
What I know about all of our churches is that there are no easy answers.
When I hear anything that pretends that there is, I usually have trouble listening.

People will say:

It is a gay problem – or a straight problem.
Or it is the problem of regions or conferences
or congregations...
its a lay problem or a clergy problem.
Or a theological problem or cultural or biblical or whatever else.

All I know it is a big problem – it belongs to us all
It is not enough to be silent
It is not enough to preach tolerance from the pulpit from time to time.
It is not enough to simply SAY you are welcoming...

I want to close with a prayer for us all as we listen for how God is knitting us together in secret so that we might come out as one people – God's people of love for all the world

Search us, O God, and know our hearts;
test us and know our thoughts.
See if there is any wicked way in us,
and lead us in the way everlasting.

pictures from lynchburg national coming out day event at lynchburg college put together by area interfaith faith leader group

2011-10-15T00:25:00.001-04:00

Some pictures of Celebrate Faith, Hope, and Love!

we did it!

2011-10-14T13:52:00.001-04:00

The Event for National Coming Out Day was wonderful. Here is a link on our local news advertising it: I have had a lot of people ask me for an update. What I can tell you is that Lianna Carrerra and Jennifer Knapp were better at sharing their story and understanding spiritually and theologically how hard it can be on people to come out when they have faith backgrounds than i could have imagined.

I will write more with pictures a little later

2011-10-02T15:07:00.001-04:00

check out what a youth in our church made for our upcoming event! I made a link to the right as well!

on gossip

2011-09-22T12:33:00.001-04:00

What is your image of gossip?

There is a great image of gossip in the filmDoubt, which is a movie about a priest that may or may not have been a pedophile. During one scene, the priest in question is giving a homily about the "sin of gossip". He shares that once words are spread they are like feathers that float about and cannot be recovered. The wind takes them away and we are no longer in control of them.

Since I have been in ministry, I have used the "toothpaste" metaphor about words.

In this metaphor (often used as a children's sermon), words are like toothpaste coming out of a tube. Once they come out, it is impossible to get them back in the tube. And the message is usually to be careful about the words that we speak.

Then, this past weekend while I was traveling to Raleigh, I listened to a podcast on gossip on This American Life.

It was interesting to hear stories about how gossip is not always bad. One of the pieces was about a researcher in Malawi who learned of people's education about HIV/AIDS through gossip journals. The researcher discovered that people understood HIV/AIDS much better than was once thought. The towns there were riddled with gossip about who was infected and who was not. One of the Malawi women interviewed shared that she would not hesitate to "gossip" about people's infection status because potential suitors needed to know. The knowledge of HIV/AIDS status is life-threatening information. In this story, I learned how the anti-viral drugs often made discerning whether someone had the disease difficult because when people are on those treatments, they look extremely healthy -- thus the need for the gossip.

For me it begs the question - when is gossip helpful and when is it sinful? When are we simply protecting ourselves and passing along important information and when are we being irresponsible and hurtful with our words?

This morning in my personal devotion, I read Psalm 10. This Psalm is written by a person who is obviously struggling with unfairness in his or her society. Clearly, there are people acting unjustly and benefiting from it with power and wealth. The Psalmist begs for God to "break the arm of the evildoers" and in the end, the Psalmist says: "O Lord, you will hear the desire of the meek; you will strengthen their heart, you will incline your ear to do justice for the orphan and the oppressed, so that those from earth may strike terror no more." While the words are violent in the middle, by the end of the Psalm, the person praying seems to realize that putting his or her trust in God is the most important thing. This final request to God seems to me to be the heart of the Hebrew scriptures and the heart of our faith. While we are tasked to be God's hands and heart in the world, we are also to trust that God is working in defense and fulfillment of the widow, the orphan, and the alien. That is where God puts God's favor and we must also trust that God is working through the most egregious situations for good for those oppressed.

It makes me wonder if the gossip that warranted the scripture from Proverbs 20:19 "A gossip reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a babbler" is really about words that are not trusting in God. Perhaps it is when our words do not have the underlying prayer and understanding that God can, is, and will work for the desire of the meek and protect the oppressed that our words are harmful. Maybe gossip can in fact be defined as words that belie our sense of trust in God's justice and the fact that God will work through the hands even of those whom we see acting unjustly.

or maybe my idealic notion is bull. maybe getting a framework together of when we are talking justly and when we are not talking justly is just too damn nuanced and difficult to practice in everyday life. maybe the saying "loose lips sink ships" is good enough and we should just all shut up when it comes to talking about matters that pertain to one another.

i am not sure.

another understanding of operating in the world that i have been affected by lately comes from Marshall B. Rosenberg's Non-violent Communication (NVC) class I am taking. Now I am barely into the class, so I am in no way an expert in Non-violent Communication. But an image that Rosenberg uses to help teach what NVC is about is a giraffe heart.

Rosenberg explains here that the giraffe has the biggest heart of all animals. He explains that the purpose of NVC is to "to enable us to respond compassionately to ourselves and others, and to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others." This means that we operate from our heart - not closing off our feelings, but honoring them as they lead us to our needs and they also help us to connect with others. Ultimately, we are trying to connect with others through our heart - not protect ourselves from others.

As I think about gossip from a giraffe perspective, I wonder if the words we speak about others connect us with compassion for others or separate us. do the words take away the personhood of others or help us all understand that we are all human? Perhaps that is what gossip is - words that take away the humanity of a person by no longer needing to connect with them as a person. instead, the words distance ourselves from others and further alienate the "other" person from us.

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Gossip is surely a difficult thing to sort through when we are trying to gather information about society and the world. We all know the gossip rags at the check-out line are simply bad gossip - they serve no underlying purpose except to make ourselves feel better about other people and have dehumanizing information that we can then pass along to others that make us appear more interesting. But gossip that can save lives as the gossip in Malawi surely has another function. When can we know whether our words are hurting others, are simply slander, or are helping pass along helpful information?

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I am not sure that there is an easy answer to this question. Even the story of the people of Malawi dealing with a life-threatening STD could be harmful to others when thinking about people who may be labeled wrongly. What're more, the gossip about infection in Malawi creates immense stigma that people have for those struggling with HIV/AIDS, which counters the need for people to get tested. So even when gossip is useful, it can certainly be harmful.

Here is my thinking on this today: Maybe the only way we can know whether our words are hurtful or helpful is whether we are operating from our own giraffe heart. If we are in touch with our own longings and needs our feelings are pointing us toward, then we are more probably in touch with the deep longings of the people we are speaking about. Listening with love to the feelings and needs of the person the "gossip" topic is about is probably a good starting point for knowing whether what we are sharing should be passed along to another or not...

and somewhere in there is a trust that this God we serve is bigger than the fodder we say to one another. And this God does listen and care for our cries of distress - perhaps the Great One is the one that should be our first course of relaying of information.... and from there as we listen to our giraffe heart we will know what to do with that information next.

Where were you a hero? (newsletter article preview)

2011-09-15T11:11:00.000-04:00

In the Wednesday small group that Rev. Steve Flowers is leading for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Christians, we had an assignment to write about a time that we were heroes. I racked my brain over and again, but nothing stood out. When I hear the term “hero”, I immediately think of people in capes swooping in to save the day. And I am versed in judgmental phrases about heroes:
- people who do too much have “superman complexes”
- others who look up to individuals unrealistically participate in “hero worship”.
It occurs to me that the term “hero” for most of us adults became a “bad” word somewhere along the way.

But perhaps it is not egotistical to be proud of places that we acted heroic and it is helpful to identify our personal heroes. One definition of “hero” is “one who shows great courage”. Perhaps that is a person who is not afraid to stand up to a bully when he or she is making fun of a small kid. Or one who sees another in need and holds out a hand to help regardless of what that act will do to his image, his livelihood, or his health. Wouldn’t it be nice if courage was common place in our places of work, our churches, our families, and society? Hero does not need to be a term that we use only for exceptional human beings. Instead, what if we used hero as a term that identifies us all? Maybe that should be in the list of attributes as a Christ follower – one who has the courage to tear down ways that we separate others and has the courage to help all people regardless of the cost to themselves.

No, I am not suggesting that we get those figurines of “Super-Jesus”. I have seen such figurines with Jesus wearing a cape, and I have only been moved to laugh at them - not buy them! But as one who is trying to follow the Christian path, I wonder how much I can put on the cloak of courage to follow Christ even when it gets uncomfortable – when others do not see things the way I do, when friends don’t get it, and when the world is telling me to do things that I believe God does not want me to do. For me, the heroes are people who allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to risk (worldviews, relationships, or a sense of safety and security) and to be enveloped by the way that Christ wants the world to be.

After we shared some of our hero stories in our group, I am today surprised by how much harder it can be to talk about and live the life of a Christian than to talk about sexuality. In that safe room, we reclaimed two parts of our identities – one as GLBTQ people and one as a people of faith. In the end, I realize it takes a lot more courage and strength to follow Jesus than it does to take on any other one identity.

I hope to see you heroes in church as we all learn better how to be courageous together!

Toto i don't think we are in knoxville any more

2011-09-04T18:41:00.001-04:00

toto - i don't think we are in kansas any more. while lynchburg is not oz, it is not knoxville. and my return to the city where i spent my first call as full time clergy and (separate than this) first time working in a non profit agency got me thinking about the past and wondering how i got here now...

i went back to knoxville thursday and saw amazing people i miss and love and a city that continues to improve in its diversity and intrigue. caroline and i went out downtown friday night to one of my old favorite restaurants on market square where she had never eaten: oodles. after dinner, we ran into friends who alerted us of a flash-mob about to begin. invited to watch on top of a loft, we spontaneously went with our friends to a roof, and watched a group of people in the pedestrian mall (market square) dance for the american heart association down below. after catching up with these friends, we went to our favorite gelato restaurant back on street level by way of a new knoxville phenomenon - a drum circle. i would have stayed there all night, but we had gelato to get to! i spotted a man who i got to know well while working at a non profit agency, and i was both glad to see his shining face and sad that he was still living on the streets. something special is going on in downtown knoxville and it was good to be back to see many old faces and new happenings in a city i came to love, but it was also difficult.

in the morning, i did my saturday run, but after a late start, a hot day, and pensive thoughts, i decided 3.5 miles would do the trick. i ended up running to a route that i used to run with my dog a couple years ago and i slowed down and sat by the creek where i rested my weary legs. it felt familiar and yet everything was so different. i remembered running and walking my dog there a year ago. thoughts that were in my head came to me like an old movie that i am really not much interested in seeing. after all - i have seen it and i know how it ends. and yet, i wondered what there was for me to remember - what would god want me to remember from this time? did i handle the transitions well in my life?

parker palmer in the book let your life speak, writes about the importance of listening to your life in order to understand how god is calling you to be in the world. as a christian, i am always hearing in the bible the importance to remember. the bible reminds us to remember that the lord took us out of slavery - how much power we have when we remember how god acted in our lives in the past - it can certainly remind us how much god is acting in our lives now and will in the future. and my mom - now an official spiritual director after her years of classes in columbus, ohio will often ask leading questions like - what does this event or that event in your life teach you?

it is tempting not to listen to your life. in fact, i think it is okay at times to live on the surface and in the present. but i feel this nagging part of me that is drawing the rest of me to look closer. i felt that part of me when i was by the water in the middle of my run in knoxville on saturday morning. that part of me said -- "you need to listen to yourself - that is your job". and so on my 5 hour car ride back to lynchburg on saturday i did just that.

i am not saying that i did not also listen to SEC football on the radio and keep up with who was winning and losing around the country (i will allow you to check your own scores for fear of missing a game you might like and for fear of taking lightly those that lost in their season openers yesterday). but i also spent time trying to put the last 3-4 years in perspective. the heading of my thinking revolved around the thought - "how did i get from there to here?" and you have to know that i am not able to hold a lot of thoughts in my head at once. that is why i write in my blogs and in journals - if i don't put stuff down, i am stuck with the same three thoughts circling my head until i empty it out on a page. but i tried my best to think while i was driving without a pen or keyboard in hand. and here is where i went -

i kept thinking about lines that people who were patient listeners to me during the time i served my church in the closet (professionally only) in knoxville and the people who listened to me when i made the transition to work in a non profit after a year of searching for a job in the church to no avail. they were lines like: "you have really come a long way audrey" and "i was really worried about you back there".

and i realize now that i am no longer in a position where i have to put my integrity in a difficult place as a professionally in-the-closet associate minister. i am not saying that one cannot have integrity and be closeted in any profession including ministry, but it is a difficult thing to do well and demands a lot of cost to the church and the minister. i realize i need to just stop and give thanks that i am here and am able to be "out" and to serve god in this privileged way. i also am no longer in a situation where i am not doing what i was called to do in a ministerial role. after four and a half years learning what it meant to be an ordained minister in a congregation, i had to learn what it meant to be an ordained minister who is a church member. this is hard to understand if you have not experienced it. now, i am serving a church as minister again and learning in about being a minister in a new light - without having to hide a major part of my faith and my life. now, my understanding of god's love for all people regardless of sexuality and god's desire for us to be in partnership is at the forefront of my tongue as well as my mind. and i am truly grateful for all of this - these difficult years taught me much (and continue to teach me) so that i am a better christian and minister than i would have been without it.

and yet i tend to want to evaluate the past, assign blame, and use my past as something that is to be analyzed - broken into pieces, chucked into the "Good" and the "bad" and then leave it back there in the past. what i am learning though, through authors like parker palmer, the bible, my mom, and so many mentors in the faith is that while processing the situation is important, parceling out the "good" and the "bad" that happened to me are not mine to do. instead, i feel it more important to continually listen to what god is saying to me through those events in my past. i feel it more important to give thanks that i am here. and perhaps this is where god intended me to go and perhaps it is not. but i feel i can better believe the words said to me on my ordination that it is important for me to trust God because God will not let me down. it has been a journey to understand that the church might let me down, but God never will. and I am stronger for it and i am grateful for it. i am definitely able to see how God is working in my life and other people's lives more than i was before.

in august, i told mentor and friend jim bane with a smile that one of my favorite sayings of martin luther was to "sin boldly". i thought it was funny. jim asked what that meant to me and i told him that while i think it sounds funny, i understand it to mean that we should not be afraid to act. i see a lot of people afraid so much that they do not act at all. there are churches that will not declare themselves open and affirming for fear of people being angry; ministers who are unwilling to speak out on behalf of god's love for all people regardless of their sexual identity or orientation because of fear of disagreement from others.... but if we understand that we have infinite love and grace from god, why would we not act lavishly with it - knowing that at times we are going to make mistakes about how we do that. i told jim that i see a lot of people afraid to act because they want to act so "rightly" and that goes against the whole point of a gospel of grace. so go ahead and act boldly. if it turns out it was wrong, you can trust that god will help you through it and give you grace.

this idea is freeing but hard to live at times. i look back at life sometimes and wonder if i should have done this or acted that way. i wonder how i can be better in the future. and while i know this analysis is important as i learn how best to be a disciple of Christ in the world, i also think that it is important that i learn to forgive myself. i have to learn to forgive myself for putting me in the position i did while serving a church in knoxville. it was really not good for me, my personal life, and my spiritual life. but i did it. i was not sure what to do do as a lesbian minister, but i think i knew that being in the closet was not a good answer. and perhaps that is one of the things that god is calling me to listen to. i do have parts of myself that have not fully embraced the grace and love of God. and i know that as long as there are parts of me that have not embraced it, there are even bigger parts of me that are not sharing that love and grace with others from god. i guess what i am learning is that the "sin boldly recipe" is hard work for a christian. it causes us to also have to forgive ourselves boldly and more than that - forgive others boldly. in all of the boldness - in the way that we love and give grace to each other regardless of sexual orientation or identity, all deserve grace regardless of their own inability to grant grace to others.

and i am not done listening - i do not get the feeling that god is finished speaking yet. it is a scary and difficult thing to be a christian -- that is pretty much what i have decided. as i listen to the last year in lynchburg, i am so grateful to have a community with which to try to learn to walk the faith life. as we go together to give grace and to receive grace, i hope we are able as a congregation to also find those places in our lives where perhaps we sinned boldly and now need to give grace boldly to ourselves or to others. and maybe we will find ourselves by the same waters a year from now and see the growth in our own lives. i guess that is all we can hope for as a people.

peace

audrey

falling down on the job

2011-08-31T09:26:00.000-04:00

my body is pretty tired. in fact, yesterday when i went on my run to get myself back in shape for a 10-miler coming up, i fell down after tripping on a root on a trail behind my house. my body is certainly tired, but it doesn't help that i am pushing it.

being a minister is an interesting life because there are so many different things you get to do. there are small groups, leading worship, reading, writing, and doing lots of conversation one on one with people. the minister life is so varied that it really takes a certain kind of discipline to be able to do it at all well. this morning, my discipline involves writing in my blog. however, it was going to be going into work and working on a mile long to-do list, but my dog is currently running wild outside, so it looks like my schedule this morning is getting a bit dictated by her!

they tell you in bikram yoga that if you fall down in a posture that you should congratulate yourself. it is a sign that you are working hard in the posture and helping your muscle change. they also say to get right back into it and try the posture again.

falling down on this job can feel a little different than falling down on a run or falling down in yoga. but i think i understand the sentiment. one volunteer i work with has been working in various capacities of church life far longer than i have been alive. she is a great helper for me both in her ideas about curriculum and children as well as for how to be a minister. she often says that i am doing too much. and lately, i see she is right. the detail lists are getting so long that i am aware that i have over-committed a little here, and over-committed a little there. And i am taking stock (and trying to get right back into the posture too!).

part of what i am learning about running and yoga is how important it is to know my body's own limitations. once i know them, i can slowly work hard to expand them. but i will not extend my limits if i do too much, too little, or just plain quit.

falling down on the job is important -- that much i am learning even though i hate falling and i hate worse trying to get up and do it all over again. but the more i do it, the more i am able to see that i can do it again. and the next time and the time after that i will get better and better....

or maybe i will not get better but i will get through it and see better what to do different in my posture not to fall down in the future.

i am learning not to say "yes" too quickly. i am learning that me doing something is nowhere as good as members of the church doing something. and i am learning that leadership in this role takes patience and time (or should i say re-learning... i thought i knew that! i guess that is part of it too!)

it is funny. one of the things people talk about when answering their "calls" to ministry is how many ministers say - try anything else before you try ministry. if god really wants you, god will get you there. there is an inherent arrogance to this common understanding of the ministerial call. the truth is that there are many calls that are very difficult and important and we ought not to accept until we know that are doing them for the right reasons and are fully equipt. at the same time, i am often surprised by what a wily animal the ministry role is. we are expected to know the answer, but not always give it. we are expected to love the people, but also understand fully their sin. we are to preach to all ages and social locations and also allow the church to lead. we are poised to know the future of the church, but also be able to change it. oh and we are supposed to help change the world and... well, the list certainly goes on.

all i know this morning is that if i am going to grow and develop as a minister -- scratch that. if i am going to grow and develop as a christian, i must be prepared to fall down on the job, evaluate, work hard, and get back up and try again. i must be prepared to learn my limitation so that i can grow into all that god will have me be.

i truly believe that it is in understanding that limitation of ourselves that we can fully understand, know, and see exactly who God is.

hope you all are having a great week. i am going to try to find my dog again.

update

2011-08-25T11:44:00.000-04:00

There is a point on writing that you have been away so long, it is impossible to get back to it. Your mind is so filled with different ideas and none of them seem all that interesting to share and yet you want to include all of them in order to make meaning for others or for yourself.

At least - that is where i am at the moment.

I have this blog to help myself make meaning and at times I really use it a lot in order to better understand myself, God, and/or the world. But I have been away for so long, it is difficult to pick up the keyboard again!

Church camp in Ohio was an extra dose of amazing. I spent the whole summer listening to the crickets and watching fire flies and looking forward to my time there with my tribe. It was wonderful on so many levels as the young adults in ohio continue to floor me with their leadership, faithful, and creative abilities. it gives me hope for the world and for the church.

sermons at first christian church continue to inspire as david preached this past sunday about the importance of the church sharing with the world who god is. it was a uniquely inspiring service for me as i think he was dead on with the responsibility of the church and we christians - whether we like it or not.

and since i have been home, i have been battling both a cold and caroline living in raleigh. both accentuate the other. i realize how much i miss her when i see the parts of my life that she so seamlessly takes care of. she is the medicine queen and can tell you exactly what pills to take for what diagnosis (a cheap doctor). she is also the person in my life that reminds me when i am not taking care of myself. i am starting to feel better, but i think i overdid it yesterday when i mowed the lawn and had dinner with a friend. i hate getting over being sick - it is weird having to put crummy limitations on myself.

And as the new year starts up, i am excited about the beginnings around me. i watch as kids and young adults gear up for studies and they all figure out how to do it again. it is an odd rhythm that we do as some of us allow ourselves to pause for a summer and then hit full throttle right afterward. my prayers are for all of those trying to learn how to balance amid all of this.

That is all for now. I think this post stands to "break the seal" of my silence on my blog so that i can post more in the future.

oh and did i mention i ran a half marathon? I did a 10 minute 22 second pace the saturday before i was at camp. it is weird how matter of fact it felt because i had trained for the race. but it was still monumental - to run that much and to raise as much money as i did for our coming out day event (so far $1275!). i am still putting it all together as i gear up for our fall programs at the church.

blessings on all your heads!

When do you have enough?

2011-08-03T00:24:00.001-04:00

It seems like every mission week i do has a theme, and the theme for this week seems to be - when is it enough?

we started on the first day talking to the folks here in deer lodge, tennessee at the morgan-scott project about what we would be doing. this organization helps people in morgan and scott county who are in need. they have a thrift shop, a food pantry, and they are also giving away help in the form of home repairs through dedicated volunteers. we are part of the latter and this past week we have been working to make an addition on a home for a woman who cannot utilize most of her mobile home because of disability. we built and put up rafters, plywood for a roof we will complete by the end of the week, insulation, and spindling for railings for a new ramp so the woman can leave her existing house. all and all, we have gotten a lot done, and we will get a lot more done by the end of the week.

tomorrow, hump day, we will spend at a state park where we will make the kids spend time in nature. in the afternoon, we will go to a science and history museum where we will learn about this area during world war II and the construction of the city of oak ridge. it is a rich history here and lots of interesting things to do. i think we will be rested tomorrow as well and enjoy our time off before another day of intense heat and hard work.

i have been very proud of our kids and adults and the group we are sharing this experience with from first presbyterian church, fenton, michigan. there have been deep conversations over our educational pieces about poverty and our evening devotional time. we have also had a whole lot of fun. i am thankful for this time to remember one of the greatest joys of ministry - being with a group to learn better how to serve. so grateful.

and the question we keep putting to the fore is - when do you have enough? last night for worship, we had the kids think about the question of spiritual poverty. while we are helping people who are experiencing poverty, we said that all of us experience spiritual poverty in certain aspects of our lives. we asked the kids to think about where in themselves and their lives do they feel like they do not have enough?

when is enough?

for you - what do you think? when do you have enough time? money? members of your church? employees? friends?

here is a video from today:

on coming out in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) -- TELL IT!

2011-07-11T08:04:00.000-04:00

What does it mean to be gay (or lesbian or trans or intersex or bi) in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)?

that is a question i have been wrestling with ever since i had the courage to come out to myself and the world many years ago in divinity school.

what does it mean to be LGBTQI in the CC(DOC)?

Growing up, I knew that it was okay to be gay. My mother had friends that were gay - in fact, one of her close friends was a gay minister. (he since left congregational ministry, but i did not know his struggles when i was a child) i knew that gay was just another part of who someone was - in fact, i was raised with the notion that all of us have "tendencies" - especially women. i got that message young and when i began to have attraction to women, i did not sweat it too much - after all - we all have tendencies, right?

makes me laugh now.

but something in me decided it would be better not to be gay and i really tried hard to be up until my twenties when it became clear that the only people i would ever fall in love with had been and would be women and that was not such a bad thing.

but by the time i was in that place of acceptance and courage, i was in the midst of answering the greatest call of my life thus far - ministering in the church.

how would accepting this part of my identity change my role and relationship with the church? what does it really mean to be LGBTQI in the church?

-----

it has been an interesting road. and it has meant a lot of things. it means finding openness in regions that i did not know would be there. i remember rebecca hale sharing with me that of course i could counsel camp - after all - the region has not made decisions on glbtqi leadership so how could the camp have decisions made about whether glbtqi folks should not be in leadership? i remember when my first senior pastor found out i was gay, "HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? DID YOU THINK I WOULD NOT ACCEPT YOU?" it has meant getting the message from many people how important my journey has been for them. what straight people do not know is how much other glbtqi people are in search of people who have the courage to be "out". as soon as i came out, i began to hear other people's stories and struggles with their sexuality.

but it has also meant learning about hardship and struggling with anxiety - should i or shouldn't i tell them? will the congregation treat me differently? will the big reveal of this part of my identity split the church? how will this information (if leaked) affect the other pastor i work with? will the kids i minister to feel betrayed by this information about me?

when i did finally come out professionally, it has meant not finding employment easily. when i accepted my job at first christian lynchburg, i remember my first thought was - people better not think it was easy.... because there are so many glbtqi people who canNOT find employment and there are so FEW churches in the CC(DoC) that have their heads on straight about this issue. i interviewed at a lot of different churches and i know i have blogged about many of those uncomfortable experiences. my regional minister shared with me some of the conversations with churches that clearly did not want to hire a glbtqi pastor. he was a great advocate, but he knew the congregations well and knew what i was up against.

at one point, a close friend and mentor shared with me, "Audrey - there is no way" and i was reminded by what rebecca hale said to me in my first year of ministry when i came out to her: "the road is made by walking". i knew i had to blaze my own trail if i were to get anywhere in the church.

what does it mean to be glbtqi in the CC(DoC)?

at this assembly, i am surrounded by peers my age (in their 20s and 30s) who are blogging, tweeting, and facebooking about the same frustrations that i have with the church for her intolerance and full inclusion of glbtqi people in the church. it is a non-issue for so many people, and yet our general church will not talk about it from their own mouths because they think (or perhaps know) that it will split our church...

and as we all know, "Unity is our polar star". (thank you barton stone and thank you church for worshiping this phrase over jesus at times)

but here is where i am this morning:

i keep thinking about one person i know who i met in the church who started many different congregations and out of the agreement of the way that we do things with the queer community in the CC(Doc), kept his sexual orientation to himself.

i keep thinking about him and the selflessness that he had and the invisibleness that he gave to the church.

we talk a lot in the CC(DoC) of the new churches coming into the DoC fold that are from different cultures and many share with us that those cultures are often not inclusive of GLTBQI people. But i think about this particular person who is not Anglo and who does fit part of the alphabet soup of LGBTQI. and who has carefully covers his tracks so that no one else can follow on that road or know where he is walking.

and i think this is where we are in the CC(DoC) and i think this is what it means to be GLBTQI in the CC(DoC).

i am trying to pave a different way - a new way. i am trying to pave a road with GLAD and my friends and all of the folks who are tweeting and complaining, and holding out for change in the church.

But where we are today in my own estimation and my own life experience is in a world of invisibleness and fear.

i don't know exactly what it means to be a straight activist for LGBTQI in the church. but i do know what it means to wear one of the labels. i know something of the pressure to be quiet, to let others feel comfortable and to erase the path behind me for fear that others may see my way and my roads.

i know what it means to feel that i am sort of betraying my tribe in order to speak out against the injustice. and i know what it feels like to wonder if others know what is happening.

I am heartened by all of the rabble rousers this assembly. but i am also aware of the quietness that prevails in so many regions and in the office of general minister and president and general ministries about this issue.

rebecca hale was right - the road is made by walking - i just hope that we can have the courage to walk together with all of those that are blazing their own trails to make it easier for our children and our chidlren's children.

peace out

Audrey

where do you find your peace?

2011-06-30T12:32:00.000-04:00

A good friend and mentor of mine has been on silent retreat this week. I have heard about it through his blog and I am aware of the need for peace in my own life. It is hard to find places of quiet and calm in my life. And this is not necessarily because my life is so exciting or even that there is so much noise in my life. In fact, this year I have cut TV out of my life almost completely. I have been running and finding time for just breathing while i hit the pavement. But regardless of these things that I think will help me generate more peace in my life, I still can feel cluttered, forgetful of the movement of God in the world, and overwhelmed with life.

Today I know this comes on a little over a week before our denomination's General Assembly where I will be working hard to connect with people, attend GLAD Alliance events, and listen for where God wants me to be. This also means that there is a lot of preparation I am needing to do before heading out of town for worships, Bible studies, and all around prep that has to happen before and after going out of town... And meanwhile trusting that the Holy Spirit will get me through. That last part is probably the hardest.

But all of this brings me to the question for myself (and I share with you): where do you find your peace? Surely peace is more than just finding more silence in your life. After all, if peace was just getting silence, then cutting out TV would take care of inner peace in a jiffy. I am not saying this is not a good thing to do, but it takes more to cultivate inner peace than just NOT doing something.

Yesterday I was in hot yoga when something hit me. When you are in yoga, the instructors tell you to just listen to the instructions and leave the rest of life outside those doors. They tell you that you take care of yourself in that 90 minutes so that when you leave the 90 minutes you are better able to live a quality of life and then you can take care of others. I think this is very true and that is why i keep coming back. But sometimes i want more than to just listen to their voices tell me what to do and forget my problems. sometimes, i want those voices to just tell me how to solve my problems.

this is what i was sort of thinking about during yoga yesterday, while also trying not to think too much. i listened hard to the instructor and had a good session, but i could not stop myself from also trying to solve all of life's problems while i was doing those 26 poses. it was at the very end - right after i did camel pose that it hit me - that god would provide me the strength and the peace. it was like for a brief moment, out of a sideways glance of my eye, i saw that strength and connection to god. and i knew, i was going to be okay - no matter what. i was not able to hold onto it very long.. i was not able to really touch it. but it was enough that clued me in that i could let go and trust that in the process as i move and breathe that god would be present.

so that is it for me... it is sort of a hard answer - because it is not like i find my peace anywhere. instead, i guess i just have to learn to let go and as i live into whatever in the heck god is calling me to be, i will experience that peace and be able to trust god fully.

that's all i have for today. looking forward to everything coming up in the next couple weeks and i am trying to trust that all will be well as i prepare for it!

Raising Money for October 11th Coming Out Day

2011-06-28T14:42:00.000-04:00

Hello friends! I just sent this by email to many of you and I thought I would also post on my blog. It is an "ask" that I hope nets $2000 for an awesome Coming Out Day event in Lynchburg that area churches want to host but need the moolah to make it happen. I would be happy to answer any questions. If you are on the website when you read my blog, you will now see a running total of the money I am raising to the right ------------> check it out and sign up too! I intend on running with your name on my back during the Lynchburg Half Marathon if you sponsor me for just $20! I hope you will consider doing it!

Peace

My formal letter explaining more of what I am talking about:

Well, it is me and I am shamelessly asking for money again - it is for a good cause.

As you probably know, we did a Coming Out Day Service in Lynchburg last year that got some national press. This year, the clergy in town want to make it bigger. We invited Christian singer Jennifer Knapp and comedian Lianna Carrera to share their stories, their music, and some jokes for the National Coming Out Day Event in October. We are planning to have 20-30 clergy representing various local congregations and organizations in Lynchburg to show young people (and old!) that we celebrate the fullness of who they are - even as a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or intersex person. We are coming together to make our voice heard above the din of religious noise that tells so many that they are doomed to hell to say that is not true!

I am on the planning team to put this together. IT is exciting. We will be streaming it live that evening across the world. We will also be hosted in Lynchburg College Snidow Chapel that seats 450 people. We really believe we will have a lot of people there.

But we will need lots of help to get there! About $7000 to be specific. We have local churches doing fundraising as well as Lynchburg College. I wanted to do my part.

So I am running a half marathon in Lynchburg, VA and I am inviting you to sponsor me in my run. If you contribute $20, I will run with your (or you can do it privately without anyone know if you would prefer) name on my back. It will be a long 13.1 miles, but as we run together, it will parallel the journey that we as faith communities need to be on in order to share the love of God for all people in culture that often says the opposite. I hope you will take the time to check out the website.

If you are running too, you could even create your own page and become my team member. You don't even have to run to be a team member - just a person who also wants to see this happen and wants to share with people around you about the importance and we will slowly get there together!

thanks for reading the long email - please pass along to other friends or tell me their names if you think it would be better if i introduce myself to them to tell them about it!

http://www.indiegogo.com/National-Coming-Out-Day-Celebrate-Faith-Hope-and-Love?c=home

Audrey

a love poem maybe

2011-06-22T17:06:00.000-04:00

There is a wedding at our church tonight of a couple that is near and dear to many a person. It will be a big wedding and a sweet one. I am reading poetry, which I do not often do, but I thought Audre Lorde might have some words for me this evening.

I found this poem- I would love to hear your thoughts. I liked it.

Love, Maybe

Always
in the middle
of our bloodiest battles
you lay down your arms
like flowering mines

to conqueror me home.

Gay Pride

2011-06-19T17:47:00.000-04:00

It is Gay Pride Month and I keep hearing through news feeds, facebook, and twitter different things happening around the country. For the last two years, I participated in pride events in Knoxville, Tennessee (before that I was too closeted!). This year I am in a town that does nothing to celebrate pride. While I am working on an ecumenical, interfaith committee that is organizing for coming out day in October, we have nothing to add for gay pride events in Lynchburg. perhaps not surprisingly, it feels like a bit of a loss through this month.

But I get to live through my family and my mom's church in Columbus, Ohio who participated in the Columbus Gay Pride Parade for the second year in a row just yesterday. The first year they participated, my mom (the pastor) was on sabbatical. While she was away, a small group marched in the parade from the church. This year there were fifteen people from the church including my mom, my stepdad, two of my sisters, my brother and two of my nieces. Yeah - my family is pretty awesome. When I first found out about it, I wanted to go with them badly, but it was just not in the cards with other things happening in my life. But Audrey or not, my family was there marching to show solidarity with the queer community from the faith community.

This afternoon I talked to my eight-year-old niece about it, and she reported the following: the people there looked weird. I told her that is the point of pride parades - that people can be as strange as they want to be. She told me that she and my sister Eileen saw a woman without a shirt on (but only her back). She also told me there were a lot lot lot of people (my sister said 100,000). She also told me about how she stood between my little brother Christopher and a church member who were protecting her from the people yelling. I thought this was strange but as she kept talking, she told me she only saw two people and they had a sign with the word "PRIDE" on it with it crossed out. She reported that she only saw like two of those people. Her mommy (my sister) saw four groups of protesters, but she only saw two. She told me, "But it didn't matter because there were soo many people there! it was so much fun!"

After hanging up with my niece, I called my mom to tell her about the wonderful surprising phone call from my niece (i like this phase in reagan's life that she likes to talk on the phone when she is bored!).

My mom told me that she had never been in a parade where you were cheered just for being in the parade. she said it was really great and that next year i need to plan to be there with them. I told her with notice, i could do it, and we both got excited. i then heard reports on the parade from her and then my stepdad. they were a bit different. while my stepdad told me about how my mom told him to wipe the smirk off his face at times, my mom told me about a speaker that was talking about bullying. during this speaker, my older sister told my mom about how my little sister (technically a "half sister" who is not really related to my mom) who just graduated high school, eileen, stood up to a bully. my mom said that after eileen told the story very modestly, my mom told eileen how she was changing the winds when she stood up to the bully, and the wind was changing such that now the bully-er better be the one that looks out if the behavior continues. my sister eileen said to my mom, "you sound like Audrey!"

my mom said she did and that we do sound alike and we both took it as a compliment.

all in all, i am sorry i was not there, but it makes me so stinkin' grateful for a family who shares my passion and is out there lending a voice and a heart for those who need to see it.

A Note To My Friends and Colleagues Attending Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) General Assembly in July 2011

2011-06-11T20:32:00.000-04:00

I sent this off to some friends and I thought I would share it here. I must believe it since I keep wanting to share it.

As you all know, I am a pastor currently serving in Lynchburg, VA and I am trying to lend my voice to the movement (much like yourself) to end homophobia and transphobia in our churches for good. I am increasingly hopeful that if and when we lend our voices together, the center will shift.

One way that we can do that is by attending different workshops, banquets, and pre-assembly events designed to encourage, educate, and connect us to be better disciples in our home congregations in inclusiveness. Please sign up for these! Here are some links! (or just go to gladalliance.org for summary)

Pre-assembly event on the rainbow of identities led by national speaker, Darlene Fike: http://www.gladalliance.org/general-assembly/pre-assembly-event
GLAD Banquet on July 12th with inspiring leader in the LGTBQ movement in the church Mel White: http://www.gladalliance.org/general-assembly/banquet
And a resource group you just SHOW UP for the resource group wed at 2:30: Becoming Open and Affirming: Start Your Journey to Wholeness http://www.disciples.org/GeneralAssembly/LearningOpportunities/ResourceGroups/tabid/340/ResourceGroupID/161/Default.aspx/

But more than that, I hope that in all of the banquets, worships, resource groups you attend, you bring the voice of all marginalized people to the table. Whether you are talking about church finance, reaching out with new media, poverty, understanding how to apply social justice to the church, or good ol’ fashion evangelism, I hope that you ask yourself and others during these session:

HOW MIGHT THIS PROGRAM FURTHER ALIENATE BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST WHO ARE ALREADY MARGINALIZED?

And

HOW MIGHT THIS SESSION BETTER CONNECT OUR MARGINALIZED BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST TO WHOLENESS?

And when you bring flesh to that question in relation to GLBTQ people in the church, immigrants, people under-employed, people stepped on or forgotten, I hope you will share your insights with those around you.

We are the salt. We are the salt in the places we work, serve, and live. We also need to find ways to be the salt when we are in our own “Disciple Mecca Home” (as my friends call GA!). I am learning increasingly that the movement for LGBTQ people to be fully included for many seems like old news (especially younger generations). But I assure you for every small church in a small town with kids with everything to lose, the movement is not over. For every LGBTQ pastor looking for a job, the movement is just beginning. If this issue is one that is old to you, I assure you: Now is the time you can use your voice for those whose voices are too afraid to speak!

I shared with our speaker for our GLAD Banquet (Mel White) that in my estimation, the voice for inclusion for lesbian, gay, bisexual, questioning, transgender, and intersex persons must come from the margins in our denomination. Over and over, the message regarding this issue from people leading our denomination is:

"not now"

"but what about these people who disagree"

"that is an issue for another time"

And over and over I find myself aware of the fact that a) people are not issues, and b) Christ didn't need the "center" to speak from anyway. He spoke as a true outsider. So - here is my pep talk: the moment is now, and the tipping point is on us. We all walk our own road and mine teaches me that I must continue to move toward wholeness regardless of the way it makes others feel threatened. I am working to shed my own internal homophobia and invite you to come with me to shed yours as well during the General Assembly 2011. I pray that after our time together in Nashville, we will say - this is no longer my father or mother's church! God is doing a new thing! And I pray that we might declare so with smiles and intentional love rather than hate, anger, or fear!

I look forward to seeing you all in Nashville!

Bless you all as you prepare and please pre-register where it is appropriate – it helps the planners extraordinarily!

Peace

Audrey

thankful

2011-06-04T09:28:00.000-04:00

I wake up in the morning hazy and that is often when I offer prayers for the day. this morning - so thankful for all that i have been given - thankful for friends, family, and beginnings that show up in the most surprising places - thankful for new narratives and stories and ways that god shows me that god is at work in this world - thankful for the hidden blessings and the ability to listen to others and offer compassion - thankful for the grace of god that we humans in our limited way get to practice over and over again to the world - thankful that every time i screw up offering that grace, it is offered to me again and i can try again - thankful to be able to share in the blessing of the life of curtis rinsland yesterday and see my family on my aunt shirl's side - thankful that this same morning the youth group is waking up at heritage high school track after a night of celebrating and raising money for relay for life - thankful to have a cat that -

ouch!

she attacked my foot because it was outside the sheets!

and that is how many morning started this morning.

caroline and i are off for vacation today. i am most thankful for a week of rest and relaxation. my prayers will remain with my congregation and those whose lives need grace in so many ways. my personal prayer right now is that i can stay disciplined and truly run the marathon in lynchburg that my friend emily and i said that we would in august. this means serious training - even on vacation! my prayers are with all people trying to take care of their bodies and using them in new ways! especially this morning i am thinking of my sister marnie and her fiance who are doing the warrior dash in columbus. she is my inspiration to get healthy and exercise right (along with my other sister and mom!). i know she will do great and i hope she does not overheat and pray for her. so thankful for so many in my life.

amen

day 3 of the clergy call

2011-05-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

What a day!

We did our best to be downtown by 8 am for coaching about our lobby visits, and then a mass entrance to a press conference where Joe Solmonese, the head of HRC spoke along with the following church leaders: Rev. Geoffrey Black of the UCC, Bishop Minerva Carcano, UMC, Bishop Yvette Flunder, The Fellowship, Rev. Peter Morales, UUA, Rev. Bruce Reyes-Chow, PCUSA, Rabbi David Saperstein, URJ, Rev. Winnie Varghese, The Episcopal Church, and Rev. Nancy Wilson, MCC

my Disciples colleagues and i noticed a big absence of our own GMP Sharon Watkins. It is interesting to me that a Methodist bishop on the council within that church was present but Sharon Watkins was not. Our denomination is lagging on this issue more than most - especially considering the bulk of the people in the pews think LGBTQ rights is yesterday's issue!
Below are pictures from the press conference:

this is what we where the press conference was

this is a shot of all the faith leaders in front of the podium at the press conference

we had a lot of overflow and it was hot so many clergy people were in the shade on the side

After the press conference, HRC organized a day of meetings today with our own senators and representatives. I learned about how easy it is to get face time with the staff of a congressperson. and i saw first hand what kind of preparation to take. i always say i learn better by doing, and there were lots of things i learned today that will make my next appointment with my congresspeople better. i certainly made mistakes. but through this organization i went to most meetings with many other congresspeople who are very experienced in speaking to their representatives and senators. i also learn by observing others and i watched masters at work from my own state of virginia. i heard about a rash of suicides in one small virginia town which stemmed from bullying at school, i met a new methodist friend who is in a church my friend from seminary used to serve, and i met Robin from the MCC church in Richmond. here is a link to his blog: Robin's blog. he is a great leader in the state and we hope to connect lynchburg activism with what they are doing there in richmond. I also was blessed to join many others from my own denomination. Just two who were also from Virginia were Wes Jamison and Karen Barr. But they were not the only ones there. There were about ten people from Brite Divinity School, Dr. Stephen Sprinkle was there, Rev. Martha Carroll from Indiana, Rev. Terry Zimmerman from Dallas-ft worth area, and I know there are others I am forgetting.

this is me, Disciples person karen barr (moderator of GLAD Alliance) and Wes Jamison (head of the DOC O&A Team)

At the end of the day, I was absolutely exhausted but also excited. I could not believe how rewarding it was. the connections i made with new relationships of clergy doing creative things to further the Gospel, the understanding of just HOW to link my faith (and other people's faith) to action was so good, and the excitement of being part of the legislative process. Some of the exciting things that happened were not necessarily pertaining to the clergy call. things like watching protests when Netanyahu came to town, meeting a correspondent from FOX News who wanted to know about what we were doing (she was the most fake looking person i have seen since tammy faye baker), going to barney frank's office just to say "thanks i am a big fan", seeing john mccain's office, finding out that my new friend brian is the husband of the woman who wrote one of my favorite church books: Tribal Church, finally eating dinner with karen barr's family before heading back to lynchburg.

Now the reality is that my own representative (Goodlatte) with a 0 % voting record for equality for LGBTQ will probably not budge despite my talking to his aide. But as our HRC lobbying friend, Vasiliy, shared: all you need to do is nurture this relationship so that when your congresspeople want a faith perspective, they think of you and ask you. so perhaps this was a good beginning. i am only 3 hours to DC and there is no reason why i cannot nurture these relationships with my leaders. on the way back to karen's house where i picked up my car, she told me about all the different kinds of activism she does including protests, calling banks, and many other things. i realized that i want to be like her when i grow up and of course, there is no time like now for growing up. so hopefully i will discover creative ways to bring this calling of speaking truth to justice within my ministry in ways that engage the gospel message.

below is some footage from the clergy call press conference from my crummy camera. i hope to be going with more friends next year and i hope all the ideas for creative worship i came up with new friends works out between now and then!

Day 2 of the clergy call

2011-05-23T23:52:00.001-04:00

What a day! I am going to post you all some thoughts that I wrote today. This is a mixture of ramblings i composed while i was there and notes taken from speakers. I recognize that some might enjoy reading accounts of clergy call here for a description of the events. others might read because you care about my feelings -- full disclosure - i included both here.

Written midmorning on Monday during a panel discussion:

In DC, one must start out at 7:30 when just outside the outer-belt in order to get in the city by 9. So my morning started this morning earlier than I like. But with yogurt in my belly due to the hospitality of Karen, we trekked into town in the morning by car to the metro station and then we rode in... and we were not alone. A bustling city awaited us. We arrived at the church just after 9 to hear Dr. Mellissa Harris-Perry, who is a political analyst and frequent pundit on Rachel Maddow.

Here are some notes from her amazing talk – it was a real treat:

- Advice to pastors – contact does not necessarily mean that people will change. The data shows that if you know one person who is outside your norm (a smart black person to a racist or a nice gay person to a homophobic person), the data shows that this does not change your overall worldview. She shared that when old ladies gave food to people after Katrina, they still did not want to give housing to them around their house.

o Therefore just showing that if we get together and break bread together is not enough.

o Instead – we need to have a theological reason – we need to give a better metric to people about what they need to do. this needs to be the call of clergy - not just creating "contact situations"

o You have to make a claim on the state while simultaneously reducing the value of the state. – to help ignore and reduce problematic texts – not necessarily go straight at them – because that is what we need to teach.

random thought: I would characterize the group of clergy and folks here as misfits. Often when leading a movement, we put in front the people that look most like the status quo in order to speak the language of the insider with power. However, this group by definition is trying to be open to all particularity and that means people who very much do not look like they fit in and of course those who don't fit in. I wonder if this is what we are supposed to be learning as people of faith. As we learn about the “particularities” of each person as Cedric Harmon told us to do yesterday, we must see that particularities do not preclude us from joining together. We must celebrate our misfitness – rather than worry that the bounty will not be gotten because of the misfits we have fighting with us.

random thought#2: despite all the joy in this conference, i struggle at this conference with pain. I feel pain when i hear people say that they do not feel like their call is advocacy because they feel their call is serving the people in the pews. i know that for so many who are glbtq, they have no choice but to advocate because no one is advocating for them. those people who think that advocacy is not their call truly do not understand that not needing to advocate is a privilege. i have thought a lot about this pain that i feel. is it jealousy? I am not sure. what i know is that i don't like to feel it. i know that i would rather not have to advocate for people either, but my own pain puts me in a place where i am able to identify with all people who are struggling and who are not able to feel safe, hold employment, find housing, or own their bodies. what i know is that this painful crap that i deal with is the same painful crap that all outsiders feel and i am supposed to be feeling it in order to help others with immigration, poverty issues, homelessness, sexism, loneliness, etc.

but it is still a struggle. it is hard to watch peers in positions that i cannot have because of being gay. And I am tired of saying thank you to people of privilege who have sacrificed little but want a big thank you for the tepid steps they take. I am tired of saying thank you to people who acknowledge that there is a problem but have not had to sacrifice their job, their salary, their congregation size, …. Their calling… I easily can turn to anger -- but then i realize (thanks to one of my dear spiritual directors) that while it feels a lot like righteousness. These thoughts i am having are really just pain.

And the truth is that this pain is what has led me here. It is not freedom from pain(though I do have that some now that I am able to understand better all the time God in the pain and i am learning to allow myself to breathe in the pain). But the truth is that the pain is still right here. And I am constantly reevaluating what it means. I am constantly evaluating the pain and measuring whether this pain is the kind of pain that i can glorify God with and connect with others with or whether it is just masochism. these are the questions of the Gospel - no matter where you serve.

someone asked Bishop Gene Robinson (along with a panel pictured below) today what advice he would give a person trying to work within a denominational structure. Robinson said that the answer is not that the person should leave the church or stay in the church. He said that it takes an assessment of what a person is getting out of the church. If the church is taking all of a person's energy and life than it could be that he or she should leave it. but he also shared that many people can make a life and get what they need out of a church spiritually when the church appears very conservative. he admitted that there is no one right answer even for any one person.

sometimes i wonder about this pain i have.... the frustration with the church can certainly be used to help change the church... maybe – this is is where it gets muddy. It makes me impatient. It makes me frustrated. But it also makes me me. It is sculpting me perhaps as much as the heat and humidity and stretch is rescultping my body in hot yoga…. At least in hot yoga I have anecdotal evidence that is bringing me to the other side.

these are other notes from the panel discussion that we had in the morning:

Panel discussion – Gene Robinson, Rabbi Denise Eger, Bishop Carleton Pearson, Rev. Harry Knox

Gene robinson shared that at this particular moment, we clergy people need to be taught by the transgender people in our midst. they have things to teach us and tell us about gender fluidity and identity that is going to blow the top off of what we think about gender. He thinks we need to do this. Gene said he believes in the living god and has things to teach him as well. He believes that faith is incredibly changing and dynamic – mostly because god is incredibly dynamic and changing.

___________________________________

Since this time in the program, we ate lunch.

We then came back and heard the amazing beth Zemsky. I found her talk riveting and inspiring. It made me think about how to become a social movement and help the social movement in the nation to be more accepting. Here is a glimpse of my notes from that talk:

What is a social movement? (she introduced us to social movement theory)

1) Collective intentional action

2) Some kind and degree of organization – continuity and sustainability

a. (Egypt protest did not just happened – it had been planned for 3 years)

b. Rosa parks was not the only black person that decided to sit on the bus. And she was not a nobody

3) Outsider status – movements by definition are made up by outsiders

a. Could be with outsiders with privilege being on the inside.

b. If they were on the inside, they would not need a movement!

4) Scope and scale

a. It is about the connections – things that are bigger than just one thing

5) Movements have to have an aspirational worldview

a. this is where clergy come in

b. We have to be able to say to people: “another world is possible and here is what you need to do to see that other world.”

6) People have to have a formation of a collective identity

a. She doesn’t mean another identity to add – instead, there is some part of her identity that links her to others. something in her life that made her not just a lesbian, but a “lesbian activist” so that part of the movement “came in my heart”

i. “those empowered moments where we are caught – those are the moments that are embodied moments”

If this is a movement, then how did the movement start?

5 essential elements of origins of a movement:

1) Existence of a preexisting communication network

2) The existing communication network must be cooptable

3) The role of crisis

4) Organizing efforts

5) Something that links people together in a new sense of connection and possibility

ð There is a role of crisis, but it takes more than that.

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after this, i ended up with new friends and older new friends. four disciples decided to come together to talk about the future of our church: Karen Barr, Wes Jamison, Ryan Kemp-Pappan and an ICCC Presbyterian guy: Brian Merritt. We had really fun talks about ideas for serving God and creatively. We then went and got Indian food for dinner. We are now back for a heavy hitting worship.

Connecting with these new friends has not ended the pain i feel and the frustration i have with the church, but it has helped me see so much hope through people coming together to serve god in creative ways and taking the lbgtq movement as normative rather than oppositional to society. what would happen if we did treat the lgbtq issues in the country as generational? what would that really mean?

i think if you try to answer those questions you come to some pretty radical solutions... we allowed ourselves to think openly about all possibilities of the future of the church.

But the struggle is still there.

and then we came back to worship

The worship this evening is around the theme “gratitude” and I found myself moved to tears as we gave thanks for the ancestors who came before us. I am thankful . I was moved as I thought about working at the VMC when my tough exterior could not contain my emotions. I was by myself in my office when my supervisor/boss came in. water spilled out of my eyes for seemingly no apparent reason, and like whatever kind of a person i am - i was embarrassed. It was not hard for him to deal with me because he was a minister in the united Methodist church. but I will never forget that he told me (he is probably in his late fifties or early 60’s) when he was getting through seminary, he wrote about how important it was the his church became open and affirming. He told me that when he wrote what he did, his professor told him that he really ought to think for a year about whether he really wanted to publish his apper. His professor was concerned that putting his paper out there would negatively affect his career and he wanted to make srue that this was something that he had thought through. He told me that he did; he spent an extra year hanging around the seminary without a degree nor a good reason to be there to just to be compliant. He told me that he still was not sure he wanted to stay an elder many many years later and he had thought many times of renouncing his ordination because of the way they are with glbtq persons.

He was an angel. I then told him the specifics of why I was crying and we talked about systems theory and he made me see that what was happening was created by a system – not necessarily evil people but an evil system.

It helped me that day and I hold onto that moment.

And here I am so thankful for this time with others. so thankful to connect. And ticking people off by typing. So I am signing off.

it was a great worship and tomorrow morning we have learn specifics on where we are going, we have a press conference and then we lobby. i will share more. i am sharing pictures again for my day.

i mentioned yesterday that there were protestors on the street. they were there today - it was hasidic jews protesting zionist israel because there is a conference of americans and israel going on at the convention center (totally unrelated to the latest lambasting of obama). a police officer told me that they were just exercising their 1st amendment rights and that it was "no big deal". he was real sweet until i asked to take his picture for my blog that only my mother reads. apparently you are not allowed to photograph cops in DC. i took his photo and afterward a friend told me of my faux pax. oops! so i will not put that pic up though he was a nice officer.

front shot of the church where the conference is - it is a church that sees part of its mission as housing things like this

this is the inside of the church - this is sharon groves explaining the morning

that is our panel discussion folks -

Gene Robinson, Rabbi Denise Eger, Bishop Carleton Pearson, Rev. Harry Knox

bernard

protestors - the people at the convention did not like these people. i heard one yell at these jews to "go take a shower"

how cool is that?

i love a traditional church that uses a screen in worship - i think that is the future of the church

my new friends ryan kemp-pappan and brian merritt

more protesting - this is when i met my friend the cop i should not show you

this was jennifer knapp from this evening worship service. she was awesome and we are trying to bring her here to lynchburg

love the metro

day 1 of the clergy call

2011-05-22T23:01:00.000-04:00

Live blog – perhaps not so live. I have not figured out how to be online while at the conference. So instead, I am going to write while I am in the conference and post afterward. this was written in the afternoon:

After driving four hours with getting lost in some small town in Virginia and getting lost in downtown DC twice, I made it to the Mount Vernon UMC church at 900 Massachusetts AVE NW. The church doubles as some kind of school and is beautiful with glass stairs and a glass entrance. It is right downtown and it is close to the Smithsonian, the Capital building, and the White House. I almost did not want to go in when I drove up because of all the excitement i felt at being in the nation's capital. I thought maybe I should instead go try to see President Obama or try to visit a museum or go hear whatever protest I heard on the corner.

But the beautiful church lured me in and I am thankful. I am surrounded by both queer and straight clergy listening to a talk about homelessness among LGBTQ children. How do we reach out to youth whose safe option for living is to leave home? These are youth who often have to prostitute themselves to stay alive. They are often more unemployable than their heterosexual peers, and they have unique needs. The speaker shared that if you think that homeless youth is not an issue in your city then think again. You just haven’t looked hard enough.

I did not know of any homeless youth because of sexuality until I starting going to PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in Knoxville. I listened to adults – both queer and straight – share about youth who were in crisis and they came together to learn about ways to help these youth. It was a very inspiring group. This talk makes me realize that this group in Knoxville is only unique in its ability to reach out – not in the sense that the need is more prevalent there. It is clear that we all need to do this in our own communities. i have an idea sheet and it includes doing something like pflag does in knoxville where i live now in virginia. i have seen how to do that - perhaps that is a need we could fill in our congregation.

But the call of downtown is at my back (and my stomache calls too). So my friend, Wes Jamison, and I are going to go try to find a place to eat and walk around before coming back for the welcome and talk after dinner.

side note:

I saw the leader of the big MCC church in Texas -- Harry Knox. I also met Ryan from Douglas Blvd CC in Louisville that recently was in the news because they decided they will not have weddings performed there until all people can be married. Ryan and I were facebook friends and we finally connected. I also met Stephen Sprinkle, an amazing Disciple scholar. I know there many more are amazing folks here I will be meeting soon. And I have already seen name tags from all over the country. There is a table on HRC accoutrements and no doubt I will go home with a new t-shirt. I pray that as I take this all in, I will not miss any billboard moments of God trying to get my attention.

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After I wrote this, I had a wonderful dinner with GLAD Alliance Moderator Karen Barr, Wes Jamison, and Martha Carroll. It was really good Salvadoran Mexican food. We then heard Mandy Carter speak and Cedric harmon. Both were amazing speakers and I got a lot out of their words and the questions from the audience.

Here is a sample from my notes during the speaking:

- Issue of going “beyond personality” and yet also raising personalities who are helpful who come out – like ricky martin in the Hispanic community.
We tend to look at the civil rights movement and think that it is over but the reality is that it is not over. We are still needing to fight for rights for all people – whether they are the pickle workers in north Carolina, immigrants in Arizona, gay rights, or whatever. We need to realize that all of our realities are connected. My need to have safety in the workplace is related to your need to have safety in the workplace.
The particularity in each group is to be celebrated – you have to find the person who is willing to explain the particularities. If some people do not want to explain – ask others who do want to share about it. difference should be celebrated.
Quaker roots of bayard rustin – led to his activism. For him it was more of a philosophy. Quakers do not have a lot of dogma.
Mandy carter also mentioned Mennonite spark that got her in the NAACP because she heard the message “Power of one”.
Are we about justice or are we about just us?

Finally - I want to share some pictures from my day!

here i go!!!

i got excited because i passed all of this capital stuff - isn't this the washington monument?

ok - so this is the IRS -but what a great looking building!

this is Karen Barr and Wes Jamison

This is me and Karen

This is the church that is holding the conference: Mount Vernon UMC at 900 Massachusetts Ave NW

Off to Washington, DC to lobby, connect, and learn!

2011-05-22T12:14:00.000-04:00

Hello Dear Readers,

I am off to a trip to Washington DC to attend the Human Rights Campaign Clergy Call. I have never done anything like this but I have preached and learned all about the importance of advocacy as a response to the justice of Jesus Christ. I am going to "put my money where my mouth is" and represent as a clergy person and share my belief that not only should gays, lesbians, transgender, and bisexual persons have equal rights and ability to marry and adopt kids, it is also from my faith that I believe this. I believe we are called to justice for all people and that this is a faith issue.

Likely, I will meet amazing people giving their lives to the struggle for justice and inclusion of GLBTQ persons. I will also talk to the politicians I have helped elect. I am nervous about and trusting that God will provide. I will be staying with our GLAD Council Moderator, Karen Barr, who lives in the DC area. I will try to blog as often as possible to share with you all about the experience.

Many blessings. I appreciate so much support I have gotten that has brought me this far!

Audrey

The boy in the pink dress

2011-05-16T15:16:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning thinking about a boy in a pink dress. To be sure, this particular boy's mother called me while my phone was on silence in the morning so when I saw her name, a thought about her son in a pink dress popped up from church yesterday. So I don't know that the boy in the pink dress weighed heavily on my me, but I here I am writing about him.

I serve a church that understands the importance of letting people be themselves. This congregation encourages everyone to explore different dimensions of their lives fully - intellectually, spiritually, socially, and I suppose emotionally (to be fair, we are less comfortable as a congregation to do this last one!). We are open to all people no matter their psychological capabilities, their sexual orientation, their gender preference, their race, their social economic level... you get the idea. We truly try to be a glimpse of God's kin-dom together. There is one mother (there are others too!! I am just writing about this one today!) at our church who takes seriously her role of allowing her son (and daughter) live out these principles. Her four-year-old loves playing with cars, pretending he is a monster, looking scary, and he has a lot of other "boy-like" qualities. However, his favorite color is pink, he likes dresses, and it was a very special thing when he got the pink dress he wanted.

When talking to this child about his favorite color, there is no guile. He has no understanding of the generations of men before him (and after him) that associate pink with little girls. He does not know that boys are "supposed to" play with cars and girls are "supposed to" play with dolls. You might wonder how he exists in this bubble, and I can tell you that his family does not have a television at home. I do know he goes to preschool, he socializes with other children, and he watches movies (once a week is movie night in his household). But for him, it is clear that he takes his cues about gender roles from his family, and for them gender is not defined by sex. For them, little boys can wear dresses as much as little girls. Daddies can knit and mommies can do anything. I have been out to eat with this family when he has talked about his pink dress. I know when we asked him about his favorite color and his dress, we adults did not snicker at his response as though he were performing for our adult consumption. Instead, we responded the way one would respond to any adult male who might own a pink dress: We said that was nice and we did not share with him that it was socially unacceptable. (I understand that many people would not respond to an adult male this way, but you have to consider this author!)

So when this young man came to church in a pink dress on Sunday morning, I was not exactly surprised. I knew his mom was thinking about letting him wear his favorite pink dress to church, but I did not know this would be the Sunday.

We are an accepting community, and we understand the importance of kids exercising their understanding of gender, intellectualism, and emotions in church. And just as our openness to people of different faiths helps us to define better what it means to be Christian, it could be that our openness to different gender expression will help us define better what it means to raise our children to be themselves - in all of their mixed "masculine" and "feminine" parts.

I did not get to spend a lot of time with this young one Sunday morning. I spent most of my Sunday with the middle school kids. But I did see him traipse down the aisle for the children's sermon as he always does with the other kids. Like usual, his energy was more on moving his body than listening to the children's sermon, but I tried to share with him qualities of the good shepherd anyway (Protecting, loving, and knowing us!). Then I sort of heard an exchange happen while i was talking. There was another little boy about his age dressed in a dress shirt, khakis and a little tie who asked about the pink-dress-wearing boy. While I tried to highlight parts of Psalm 23, I heard this young child say quietly to the other - girls wear dresses - not boys!

In an attempt to stymy this instruction about gender expression on the chancel steps while not losing the rest of my audience completely, I turned and said quickly and quietly - that's not true - anyone can wear a dress. Then I put a picture of a shepherd holding a sheep in front of both boys' faces and tried to get them to care about my rather mundane children's sermon (sometimes i walk away and think it was great and sometimes i don't!).

After that moment, I was swept into time with the older youth, and had youth group and a board meeting on Sunday afternoon and evening before I could talk to the mother about any of this. My partner, who is also good friends with this mother, told me at the end of the day that his mother said, "We have a wonderful and accepting church!" All told, her son went home without scars. I don't know what happened after the children's sermon in the younger kid worship. I assume the conflict between the boys subsided with or without teacher help. (I later found out that this little boy had an extra change of clothes he could put on if he changed his mind about the dress, but he never wanted to change!)

It is interesting to think about the full implications of practicing what you preach. We at First Christian want very much to be accepting of all people. For many congregations, being accepting of gays and lesbians is a difficult thing, but it is something our congregation does very well. We also proclaim welcome for transgender persons no matter where they are in their transition. One older retired man in our congregation summed up ministering to transgender folks to me like this after a board meeting : "People are who they are, and who are we to tell them?" But proclaiming this welcome does not teach us inherently how we are to live this out. What does it really mean to live these ideals out? How would you react to the boy in the pink dress? What is your pink dress that you wish you could wear but you feel you would be laughed at - even at First Christian Church?

Some say we need to teach our kids gender so that they can get along in this bifurcated world. Others think that the strict gender roles males are stuck with in our society are not only unhealthy and unfair but damaging to the development of males as full human beings. When are we protecting our children from our own judgment and not protecting our children from the world? When are we really going along with the world's judgments rather than living into a kingdom of right relationship where our reconciliation with God gives us true freedom and liberation in all aspects of life?

I am proud to say that I belong to the church with the boy in the pink dress on Sunday morning, but I wish I did not feel compelled to write about it. I wish that safe bubbles for little boys were bigger - and that we could protect them better. But I also know that living out faith does not mean truly living in a bubble. Like the Psalmist writes in Psalm 23, it means living knowing that there are forces working against us and always before us, but God's salvific hand is still there preparing a table for us, guiding us, comforting us, protecting us, and loving us despite it. And with that shepherd by our side, we can be anyone we are called to be.

The Liberty Mend

2011-05-07T09:11:00.000-04:00

So after hearing about this book from friends at church, I finally read it! The Unlikely Disciple is a great snapshot into the life of a Liberty student. It is a story about a Brown University sophomore who takes a semester off to enroll in class at Liberty (Jerry Falwell's University) in Lynchburg, VA to see what it is like. He likens it to going abroad, which many in his school do. However, instead of checking out a different culture "over-seas", he visits the culture of evangelical Christians in his own country. He is not evangelical and is barely a christian. he grew up in a quaker home, but seldom attended church. when he did, it was a true quaker kind - one with silence until the inner light gave someone something to say (sometimes god did not choose to speak to anyone during worship and it was simply silent the entire time). you learn in the intro of the book that after a conversation with students at Liberty while visiting with writer, A.J. Jacobs, Roose discovers that in order to truly be on the inside and understand fully what it means to be a student there would mean that he would have to also fake being an evangelical. with as much integrity as he can manage, he infiltrates, and participates in the dorm prayer, sings in the thomas road choir, places intra-mural football, finds himself a pastor-mentor to help him in his journey, and makes real friendships. his book forces the reader - even this gay, liberal, mainline reader, to see that there is good in the essence of liberty university as much as there is craziness. he does a nice job showing that although many of us on the outside of this institution believe it to be a place that breeds hate-filled rhetoric against gay people, abortion, and any other social issue that divides people, there is also a side of this place whose source is love.

now i am not saying that i am going to recommend ANY young person i know to attend Liberty over virtually any other college institution. but i am beginning to realize why young people who attend there have strong ties to the school, strong sense of growth there, and an active alumni network: there is something special about a place that has mechanisms for prayer, powerful worship, close christian friendships, and a place to truly explore your faith with your peers. in some ways, roose's experience reminded me of the three summers i spent while serving at church camp staff in ohio. during that time, i was able to see exactly how wonderful it is to live in christian community, communicate with my peers about what it means to be a christian, and learn how wonderful it is to serve the lord.

that being said, it was hard enough coming out of the closet in a church culture that makes it uncomfortable and stigmatizing -- i can't imagine how much harder it would be to settle into myself if i was in a church that also believed that i was going to hell simply because of who i loved.

regardless, this explains why i decided to go to the jerry falwell museum on liberty's campus this past week AND take my mom and my stepdad there as lynchburg visitors. this is also why i decided to peruse their book store, listen to students talk at their barnes and noble, and check out the thomas road sanctuary and coffeeshop outside it. this christian war we are involved in with the christian "right" believing the "left" is doomed to hell and the "left" frustrated with how the "right" is brandishing christianity into hate-filled Jesus following can really feel like an endless war. but reading that book above made me pause and realize where hope is born: humanity will win out. while the "right" may learn barbs against the "left", in the end, our compassion for people is stronger than condemnation. And while the "left" may want to see the end of falwell type institution, the needs that that institution fill for people is something that the "left" can not only learn from but appreciate.

my mom and i had a cup of coffee in the thomas road multi-plex, which we enjoyed with cookies. there were lots of kids milling about after school from lynchburg christian academy had just gotten out. i did not look at those kids as thinly veiled robots in the war against liberals (like i often feel like and say when i drive by). instead, i realized that they were just kids hanging out with one another and taking cover from a storm outside. i did notice one young man who seemed very effeminate and i said a prayer for him. i hoped he would learn that there was another brand of christianity that would accept him and that they were just as much jesus followers and holy as what led him to be part of that thomas road place.

i would love to hear other ways people are mending the gap in lynchburg (and i thank my friend christy for this phrase - it is borrowed!)

prayer for the day

2011-05-02T08:58:00.002-04:00

Thank you god for a new morning

the tirade

2011-04-30T19:19:00.000-04:00

So - I want to warn you, dear reader, that i sense a tirade ahead. i title before i write, so we will see...

i just left a weekend in indianapolis, where i reconnected with friends from the past and convened with the GLAD Alliance planning team about the future with acting moderator of vision and transformation of this meeting, Dick Hamm. After waking up this morning, sincerely wishing i could sleep in, I left feeling very grateful for my time with the GLAD visionaries and what i see to be hopeful transformation of an organization taking place.

then as i roamed from one gate to another in the charlotte airport on my way back to lynchburg, i had a lot going through my mind. i talked to my partner about stuff going on in our lives and it was good to connect with her and think about my life when i return to lynchburg. after getting off the phone, i had a lot running through my mind. and all of a sudden this question came into my mind:

when will the church stop oppressing people?

you see, i keep wondering where the overall narrative of this journey in ministry as a lesbian is going. when i began serving a congregation after ordination, i began the narrative of a pastor who was "faithfully serving her call while negotiating her sexuality in the world". at the time, that sentence encapsulated figuring out how to have integrity as a lesbian not ready to share with the entire world who i chose to love in my bedroom. as i lived out those quandaries in knoxville, i felt fortunate to be at a congregation that was mostly liberal about homosexuality (but not completely decided one way or another about it).

Growing into that call as Associate Minister at FCC Knoxville, it became clear that God was calling me to witness the Gospel as an "out" Christian. My narrative switched to "learning how to be out to myself and the world while also balancing a congregation and region that is not ready for a person in my leadership role being gay or lesbian". My thoughts turned more from curious reflection in the church with hope to anger with the church for so many blockades i needed to break down in order to feel included. The people who understood my "struggle" to be in full life of the church became like water in the desert to me - whether they were gay or straight. during this time in my life, I did a lot of research about other congregations and denominations which are more welcoming to GLBTQ ministry. After much contact with the GLAD Alliance over email, I finally got a returned email and I began a relationship with an organization which in my estimation was not doing enough. I also interviewed at many churches for another position but had no luck. i received advice from regional ministers, congregational ministers, therapists, friends, and professors from my old divinity school as well as other seminaries in the country. I learned during this time that there are just not a whole heck of a lot of churches who will hire an GLBTQ pastor and the ones that think they *might* probably won't if they have not yet decided before they call the GLBTQ minister that they are "open and affirming". I also learned that all minsters want to serve LGBTQ congregations! So when there is a position, i would be competing with people with a lot more experience than me. I guess this is when i really found my "voice" as a lesbian minister unable to find a job, unable to find a place, or know what to do. my voice mostly said, "IT'S NOT FAIR!". And i learned during this time that i, alone, will not be the change agent needed to change the culture of our church. the problem is way bigger than just audrey connor.

After losing my job due to finances (and nothing to do with my sexuality) and not finding a church position, I landed a great position in a non-profit agency where i lived out the Gospel call in a very real way: i helped the homeless. i worked with volunteers who were helping homeless people get into housing and marginally housed people stay in housing. it was a great year. during that time, i took myself out of our denomination's search and call. i decompressed, stopped fighting, and started healing. i started a group for LGBTQ people in Knoxville who were both Christian and LGBTQ and it ended up being 5-6 women who came together and ministered to each other. I think it was probably a more healing group for me than anyone, and it was clear then that i was in no shape at that time to serve a church anyway.

Then something outside my control happened: my partner got a job in lynchburg, virginia. i was not sure what would happen. we knew she would be looking for a job, but i was unable to see moving anywhere. i felt fortunate to be working at such a great non-profit and i knew it would take a great position for me to feel good about leaving knoxville. it was then that i went online and looked at the lynchburg classifieds. i found a position opening at an o&a church in my denomination in this crazy conservative town - it felt like god was shining a flashlight on the screen! i could see my life changing quickly. I interviewed with the church and it was clear to me that this was where god was calling me. in many ways, it was very unreal - is this really how god wanted to show me a new job? was this not the craziest thing ever? i remember sitting in my therapist's office in knoxville and saying to her that despite the elation i had at finding a job in a congregation i wanted and in a town where my partner had a job, i did not want others to co-opt my story into a "god solves all problems" story. while i think it is nice to think that God has your back, i also had seen through the past few years how much christians use good things happening - like audrey getting a job in ministry - as a way to think "see - the church does not need to change!" i also knew that if i ever left that job, i would have trouble finding another. and i also was cognizant of the many LGBTQ ordained folks who still wouldn't have a job even though i had one.

so we finally get to what i thought might end up being a tirade when my first thoughts about this entry came to me. this past year has marked a new phase in my life and my own narrative has been changing greatly. i have felt incredible healing being at a church where sexuality truly is not a factor. while homophobia is difficult to truly "Stamp out", it was this past week when i realized that my anxiety about church has nothing to do with people not liking me because i am gay or finding out i am gay. instead, my anxiety is all about whether i am doing a good job and being the best minister i can be.... sexuality for me personally, is becoming a non-issue. for this healing, i am so incredibly thankful.

and now, sitting from a place of safety as a gay person who will not lose her job for her sexuality, i have new deep questions plaguing me. instead of "IT'S NOT FAIR" or "how do i change this church or participate fully in the church", i had a new thought come across my mind that feels different for me:

"when will the church stop oppressing people?"

In my own journey, i watched the church exclude LGBTQ folks through silence at regional assemblies, through leadership positions that were only offered to straights, and the like. but now that i am part of a congregation that is inclusive and is using its voice to help LGBTQ people who are excluded, i was lulled into the belief that we are post-struggle. after all - i already declared that i can only work in churches that are open and affirming, so for me - i have to serve churches that are post- LGBTQ struggle, anyway, right? part of this question comes from the book i am reading during this indy weekend on the plane: The Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose. it is about a brown university student who takes a semester at the "holiest university in america": Liberty University and writes about his experience with the other side. it reminds me of the ways that we christians oppress one another (liberals oppressing conservatives as well as conservatives oppressing christians). and i know this question is also one we struggled with all day in the GLAD Alliance planning meeting. After working on a mission statement and values for GLAD, we broke into three groups to talk about communication, reaching out to seminaries and colleges, and communicating with new churches and vital churches. The work that my group (new churches and vital churches) came up with is overwhelming. we must figure out strategic ways to relate to people, continue to humanize LBGTQ folks while also humanizing congregations that think LGBTQ people are going to hell. We must make our case, we must disseminate the information wisely. It will take training of volunteers, it will take money, it will take time...

but it is worth it - right?

and as this question walks across my mind (when will the church stop oppressing people?) I realize that it is more than a passing question. it encapsulates my current view of the church. I think it frames for me the real problem of real, actual, living Christianity. We Christians want to love Christ, we want to be about peace and love and all of these wonderful things. But we have so many problems with doing it.... Over and over again we experience the presence of Christ and then we go out in the world and we say prejudice things about people of color; we decide our spending habits are immune from our response to the Gospel. We pretend the energy we use has nothing to do with that experience of God through Jesus... And we sit by while people are oppressed in our own institutions... while gays do not feel safe; while jews often have to hire police to be stationed outside the synagogue on their sabbath.

We, as Christians, have such a long way to go toward truly learning how to breathe and live Jesus in the world. It is overwhelming to me.

I no longer think that I, as one person, can change anything. this is still true. I know that my voice joining in the voices of others chasing after the Holy Spirit is the only way that real change is going to happen. However, all i want to do right now with this voice is to beg the questions that need to be asked - not that all questions are not asked by outsiders. but how many insiders ask questions like: when will the church stop oppressing people? Seriously people - when are we going to value less our institution and more those outside the institution (and in it) who do not have the ability to live fully in who God calls them to be. This might be a daddy to raise a child with another daddy, or two women to be married under God, or an ability serve the spiritual needs of a community. that is the issue that is close to my heart. but unfortunately it is not the only issue that we screw up on. there are so many other issues too. when will the church be more interested in de-stigmatizing mental illness rather than joining in the hushed culture of shoving mentally ill people under a rug? when will the church be a place that creates opportunities for our children to join in authentic community with other children who are different than them (in skin color or faith)?

Another aspect of this weekend that weighs on me is meeting another lesbian VDS grad who is currently looking for a call to a congregation. I don't know a lot about this woman, but I know we share friends that lead me to believe she must be pretty great. Let's face it - when you share great friends, you must be great, right? So I already assumed she was pretty cool. After being with her in a church setting, it was clear to me that she was born to lead. and yet - here she is in the christian church (Disciples of christ), unable to find a call. she too, knows the experience of supportive people in the church (many of them friends) who want her to feel called to chaplaincy or simply "changing the church". but that is not her call. her call is not to make those well wishers feel better. her call is to serve a congregation. and it is not clear yet what will happen with she and her career.

i told her after saying good bye to her that i would pray for her and it felt insincere. i believe in the power of prayer - probably more than most christians do. and i did tell the truth that i will pray for her. but at the same time, this problem of hers of finding a job needs so much more than my prayers to God. instead, it needs people of god to stop standing by afraid to act, and instead people of god changing the church -- not gay people --- not straight people --- people of god --- all of them together.

so that is my rant today and that is my narrative of the day. the question - how long will we as a church oppress other people? And when will we, the church, work together to change it?

Piney Ridge Trail and Part of the AT

2011-04-26T08:57:00.000-04:00

We closed the office today to recoup. So I went hiking with my dog. I have not yet been hiking when we have mostly summer colors. What I learned is that I should not have taken Maddie. The hike was too difficult for her and we stopped a lot for her to get water, try to cool down and dig holes in the mud and then bury herself in it. We came back drenched in ticks, but no worse for the wear.

We had a wonderful easter service yesterday and caroline and i enjoyed hospitality from a family at church for easter lunch yesterday. then in the evening we joined other friends for drinks and catching up. it was a great day.

i decided that over the hike i would think about the service that is ahead this sunday. i am excited about preaching and i have a lot to think about with that as well as a GLAD Alliance planning meeting on Saturday in Indianapolis. i have some good writing leads for a sermon and i think that is good.

Below are some great pics from the four our journey! BTW - I measured how far this spot was from my house - exactly 20 miles to the trailhead. how awesome is that? We went up Piney Ridge Trail and then took a right on the Appalachian Trail. We went about a mile down that but then i started really worrying about Maddie overheating, so we went back the way we came instead of doing a loop on to Matts Creek Trail. The bummer about Matt's Creek Loop is that it only crosses the creek one time, so i didn't think it was worth testing my luck to get Maddie there. Enjoy the shots!

this is a view from piney ridge trail

here is me and mad the rock star

blue blaze signified piney ridge trail - 3.5 mi to AT

gorgeous, eh?

piney ridge trail

Appalachian Trail

this is a view from Piney Ridge Trail - i wish i knew what these mountains were named

this is my favorite - this is a view from the AT.

Maddie the wonder dog resting in shade - she was having a rough time. that is her dog bowl of water in front of her

Maddie the wonder dog trying to get cool by burying herself under this log

piney ridge trail site

piney ridge trail - i love this shot

i think a hobbit lives there. this is now the AT

so satisfying to get to this place!

this is the beginning of our hike

no idea what this is - it was growing on a pine tree. cool, eh? i am guessing it is some form of mushroom or something

reflection on Matthew 28:5-7

2011-04-23T22:15:00.000-04:00

I am speaking this reflection tomorrow. I asked my mom to read it for me and she said it was good and to post it on my blog. so thanks mom and here it is. the scripture is first and then the reflection. David is doing a meditation before me on Matthew 28:1-4 and after me on Matthew 28:8-10

Matthew 28:5-7
But the angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid; I know that you are looking for Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for he has been raised, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples, “He has been raised from the dead, and indeed he is going ahead of you to Galilee; there you will see him.” This is my message for you.’

come and see.

she takes her hand and shows the empty bed. her hand moves against the stone and her eyes search longingly for her savior's body. he is no where.

come and see.

he takes her hand and tries to show the miracle – the mystery… but Mary and Mary cannot see.

it is hard to see when there is nothing there –

This tree that is behind you all – I have been going into the church through fall and winter and the view of the tree has been stark. It became common place for me to see black birds in stark branches. The leaves had gone, the ground turned cold and there was less nad less life to see.

Even as I prepared for this service with our worship coordinator –verna poats, I lamented that it is too bad we are doing it with this tree that still is not in bloom… and we stood at that door and she had to tell me – no – Audrey – I think it is. And we opened the door, and I looked closely – and I saw – yes – there is new life happening on this tree that I had seen everyday looking stark and bare.

I could not see it because I had stopped expecting to see anything but the black birds feasting on the empty limbs.

It became hard to see anything but a tree that was looking dead.

The women started out to the tomb with an emptiness – a deeper emptiness than a tree in winter – and an inability to see….

And god had other angels at the ready – perhaps not a verna poats – our writer makes these angels out to be otherworldly for sure – come – look – your savior is not here – this is good news!

We live in a good Friday world with easter message sometimes blared across our speakers. This past week, we watched as Syria suffers in civil war, tornadoes run through the united states, we continue to pray and watch for our brothers and sisters in japan as we also wonder how our own country will resolve situations we are a part of in libya, Afghanistan, iraq….

War seems far from over

At the same time, we live in a world where we believe conflicts are resolved in thirty minutes (on sitcoms), true love wins out (Disney movies), and the protagonist will succeed despite the obstacles.

And as Christians, we are tasked with communicating our knowledge that grace does not come cheap and it does not come without effort. But it does come.

For Mary and Mary, an empty tomb would not signify a risen lord. They lived in our world – a missing body would be considered more theft than miraculous.

But they are met with angels who share that this man who they loved dearly and missed deeply was not gone. he did die, but it was not the end.

Perhaps this experience helped them to see a glimmer. Maybe it was like seeing the buds on the trees – we know they still were filled with fear, but it was mixed with joy too. They knew something was happening – they could not see what it would look like, they could not know exactly what was happening, but something was afoot.

New life was happening.

Maundy Thursday

2011-04-21T21:51:00.000-04:00

Oh how I love Jesus.

Every now and then I get that song in my head and tonight it was just the phrase. I know - it is really cheesy. Our Maundy Thursday service at First Christian was really nice. We basically heard the passion of the Christ through eight readers, extinguished candles, and heard the song "were you there" sung while staring at an empty table with an unlit christ candle and a cross. that was the part i loved the most - the very very end. i felt connected to the first disciples who were praying and wondering what to do when their leader was gone and they were alone. at the close of the service, our senior pastor, david, read an isaiah text about light and hope and lit the candle. that's when the words came through my mind - this is what they did and this is what we do without the bodily form of jesus - we pray. we sing, we pray, and we hope that he will return again. and then we leave for our homes and remember that darkness has come.

earlier this week (see my last post), i read a passion sermon posted by dan savage. it likened the beating of jesus and death to the beating of gay teenagers and deaths by torture or suicide. as i heard jesus' story told from the table while extinguishing candles and reading scripture tonight, i thought to myself that everyone left jesus after three years of really authentic and amazing ministry. he grew a church of one after all that hard work and truly being god's son. and then i thought - but surely we would not do it again - we wouldn't crucify him again. but then that sermon came back into my mind. and the point of this season hit me - everyone killed jesus - not just the romans or the jews or even his best friends - the point is that it was everyone! and it is you and me and we are all guilty.

yet while listening, i kept thinking "no lord - not me - i won't deny you". and i thought of all the gays that are beaten to death and i thought of the people who could have stood up and did not. and i immediately realized that i would deny him. i would and i did and i probably will again. i am not saying i have been part of a hate crime. but i have been one who has been afraid to speak up. i have been afraid to speak up for people making fun of gays, i have been one who has pretended to be someone i am not for fear of the retribution. i do know something of that feeling of denying jesus despite thinking i will not.

the service is now way over and i am just wrapping up this post-service thought after a half hour of prayer in our prayer vigil.

i am thankful that Christ calls me despite all the reasons that Christ should not. I am thankful that even though i have often left him high and dry that christ is patient with me as i learn how to be patient and humble with others. and i am hopeful that this christ will be with me as i continue to learn how to live into the easter jesus here in lynchburg 2011.

peace out

A Solicitation of Stories - Please Comment!

2011-04-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers (all one or two of you!!!)

I want to share with you all something I am doing and ask for both your prayers and for your stories. The Human Rights Campaign is having a Clergy Call on Washington where clergy come together and do advocacy on behalf of LGBTQ folks for equality in our country. I have never done anything like this, but it is something I feel very passionate about and I feel like it is something I am called to do.

But I have no idea what I am doing!

So I need your help! One of the things the preparation literature advises doing is getting together stories of people affected by homophobia or transophobia. (and getting a handle on mine to be said in a succinct way - i have to work on that one!) They advise: Think in advance about a pastoral or personal story you can share that brings this legislation to life. Personal stories make the visit memorable & separate our lobby visit from those that HRC, Task force, etc policy professionals do regularly. They say members of Congress need to know how their constituents are affected by homophobia and transphobia, bullying, etc.

Here are the questions they ask:

i. Have you witnessed people getting laid off or living in fear of being fired because they are LGBT?

ii.How has employment discrimination or the threat of employment discrimination hurt people you know?

iii. Are there students in your community who have been victims of bullying/suicide? How does this affect school or family dynamics?

iv. How does discrimination and LGBT bullying affect the larger community?

v. Has your congregations gone through a welcoming process? How did it impact your faith community for the better?

ASK your congregation for their stories to be able to share on their behalf

I need to come up with my own polished answers to these questions for which I do have answers for. But I am sharing this venture with you because I want to know YOUR STORY. Not the story of your friend's friend's friend. But I would like to know your story and have your permission to write about it and share with a newspaper or to share it with a Congress person or to perhaps leave it in a congress person's office when I leave so that they have some real they can hold onto after i leave the office.

I will be figuring out how to share my own stories on this blog I am sure. They also advise writing for a newspaper so hopefully i will get succinct and smart so i can get something in the paper too.

oh - one more thing. HERE IS AN AMAZING SERMON for you to read during passion week. My friend Don Schutt shared it with me and I am very thankful.

there are new species out there!

2011-04-16T19:15:00.000-04:00

easter is coming. don't believe me? then go to your local church tomorrow for palm sunday. you will hear about it there!

there is something about this time of year (perhaps for me it is the church calendar in general) that i am feeling especially close to the easter story. i don't think i got this way just because of my baptism, but i am sure it didn't hurt.

tomorrow at my church we will have two baptisms and one confirmation. i am looking forward to the day. it will be special for the church and for the kids making this significant commitment. it is interesting serving a church with the majority of the members who understand the concept of universal salvation. while i have never stomached a kind of faith that said we have to be baptized in order to be "saved", there has always been some form of that thinking surrounding me in my church family and maybe even floating around my individual faith. i was raised by a mother who said: "i am a christian and i know the way through jesus but that is not to say that others know a different way. i just know that way."

and tomorrow (and easter sunday with 2 more baptisms and one more confirmation), we will celebrate young people who say with my mom and me - yes - this is the way that i know god is working as well - through jesus the christ. and it is an exciting time to me.

but it is also a time not without sadness. i shared with our office staff that there is a part of me that does not enjoy easter. they thought i was crazy and one shared that she was afraid lightening was going to strike us dead because i said that! but i tried to tell them what it is i don't like about easter - the stress of a perfect easter dress, the anxiety i have as a minister with so many people... but after i left that day, i thought of something more underlying that causes me to think that way.

we christians on the path to god through jesus know something of what it means to be expectant. we are groomed as sons and daughters of god to be a people who know something the rest of the world does not - god's not finished yet! we come together every year on easter (and every sunday in general) to share with people that very thing - god died on that cross and it seemed there was no hope - but that was not the end. there was more.

and it is good news and it is exciting stuff - the stuff that happened next. darn straight we ought to celebrate that - only the core of the christian faith!

so why the negativity, audrey. right?

i decided this is what i was trying to say -- so often the cultural message is that we should suck it up and smile and know that it gets better and god will provide... so - stop complaining. we come together on easter sunday and leave out room for any other message. we wear our sunday best, we smile, we share with others our perfect families. and all the while having to hide the real crap that is going on in our lives - the broken relationships, the depression, the struggle for meaning, for a job, for money, for us to get out of this rut we are in... don't get me wrong - i love hearing as much as the next person how great god is and how wonderful it is that god finds a way.

but sometimes our version of friday to sunday as christians is just too darn meager. let's face it. we don't want to sit with jesus for the walk to the cross. we don't want to think about what it was like for all of those disciples not to know what was happening and to disappoint not only jesus but themselves. and none of us want to think about the real easter story found at the original ending in mark. when the women left the tomb afraid -- much too afraid to tell anyone about it.

i love the easter message. and i know i will be on a spiritual high for easter on the next two sundays as i watch our young people decide to walk with jesus and join in the christian community. no doubt the frustration will be way under the surface if it is there at all. but if i allow myself to be real and honest about this journey with christ that i get to live, i will be honest with god in that worship space as well and pray for places of resurrection in my life that need it. and i will try my hardest not to pretend i have experienced it in full and need no more chances to touch jesus's scars and to experience the healing and the new life!

i thought it was cool that during this easter season that there are new species of animals being released for us to vote on! I know god did not just recently invent these animals! but i do think we humans finding them is a good reminder of the new life that is there when we search hard enough - we will see it. we may even see a shark walking on the ocean floor! check it out - link!

wonderful day

2011-04-15T21:59:00.000-04:00

sometimes all you can say is thank you.

i went with caroline to homestead last night where she had a conference with the virginia psychological association. many of the randolph students presented posters and she went to judge students and support her own. i went to hike, run, and enjoy the evening at the homestead in hot springs, va. it was a gorgeous place with a lot of rich history. almost all of the presidents have stayed there and i wish i had more pictures of that place, but i took them on caroline's camera. the next day we went hiking at douthat state park. it was a really nice park and we went on a three hour hike.

i am now home and tired, but i am trying to fix up pictures before hitting the hay. here are some highlights. i am thankful for a beautiful couple of days!

the homestead in hot springs, va

inside the homestead - the lobby

this is douthat state park

another view at douthat on the mountain side trail

view at beards gap trail in douthat state park

douthat state park on the beards gap trail

a weirdo

signs of spring on top of the mountain

a view from mountain top trail at douthat state park

fall creek falls. jefferson thought these were the best falls in america. sadly they were moved since then and are now 80 ft instead of 200 ft!

Miracle Maker

2011-04-14T13:06:00.000-04:00

For the Baptism/Confirmation Class, we watched the movie Miracle Maker this past Sunday. Of course, I did a lot of reading about Jesus movies, and this seemed to be the best one for our theology and also kid-friendly. I don't know if you all know it - but the whole Jesus story sure is not kid-friendly!

I had watched parts of it before and had shown it to previous baptism classes I led. But I never watched it the whole way through. Apart from Life of Brian and The Last Temptation of Christ, I think this movie was one of the best I watched about the story of the life of Jesus. I was very pleased with the way they showed him as teacher, leader, God, and Miracle Maker.

One of the scenes that came to my mind today was when he was sitting with the leaders of the synagogue. They were trying to trick him and show others that he was not the messiah. They pointed out that Jesus hung around with the prostitutes and sinners. And Jesus pointed out in love that he came for those who are in need of a doctor - not those who are well (Mark 2:17). I thought about how this is the life of us Christians and the life of faith. We make choices all of the time about who to be with and where to spend our energy. And choices TO spend time with one group of people or one person is necessarily a choice NOT TO spend time or energy with another. These choices are very difficult, and I think that is why we come to church - to help us navigate the places and ways to spend energy in our lives. But I really loved this children's video visual as we see clearly that Jesus made choice to concentrate on the sinners. This upset those who wanted to benefit from his power and perhaps even control his power. But Jesus knew that he was about his father's work and not theirs. And so he made his choices based on that supposition - that he came for those in need of a physician - not those already well tended to.

Sometimes when I think about how God is on the side of the oppressed, I forget what that means in my own life. I forget that it is both radical and it is ordinary. It is something that I can be part of in every day of my life as I make decisions about how to spend my time, love, and energy with those in need.

It is a tall order, and I am glad that there are so many saints along the way and scriptures to help me learn how to live this from day to day. and for this day, i am thankful for a movie that was written well and well made so that i could see afresh the life of faith through Jesus.

Newsletter Article: Change is always under foot!

2011-04-12T19:39:00.002-04:00

Changes are always under foot.

I talked to my mother this week who is a pastor in Columbus, Ohio. She shared with me that she had to get off the phone to visit a 94 year old woman who was grieving her boyfriend. I told her to have a good visit when the sentence sunk in. I made her repeat it.

“Wait – the woman is 94 years old?”

“Yes”

“And her boyfriend just died?”

“Yes – loss is loss,” my mom said wisely.

The woman had already lost her husband many years before, but she had recently struck up a relationship with this man. She shared with my mom that she had not heard the words “I love you” in a long time. How precious they were to her! And now she was grieving this loss. This meant adjusting to life again as a single woman. Loss is loss.

It does not matter how old we are, change is always under foot. And with any change, there is loss, a time of grieving, and eventually signs of new life.

Here at our church, we are walking with many whose lives are about to undergo a lot of change. Many of our friends are graduating college, high school, and graduate school, including our Christian Education intern, Jessica Black. This change is exciting for families, students, and graduates, but there is loss too. Leaving the nest of friends, a life of study, and routines with which we are familiar can be very difficult. None of us know exactly where life will take us with a degree in hand, though we might think we are in control of it!

And yet as we go forward, we go knowing that present with us always – even in the dark parts of loss where we might feel alone and unknown – is a God who we can trust will stay with us through the fires and stand with us when we finally see what is ahead.

I look forward to celebrating the Easter season here in Lynchburg with you all as we go through our changes together acknowledging the necessary dark times of loss and also the surprise of new life in places we often never suspect!

~ In Christ, Audrey

advice on running

2011-04-08T15:06:00.000-04:00

did some running today and i am interested in running more seriously. i feel like doing bikram yoga coupled with running is a good combination to good physical health. i looked online after my run how to increase my stride because i have been trying to do this, but figured it would be good to have some expert knowledge in my decisions on how to run. i found the following article. it is interesting to me. my regular route does include a couple of steep inclines. i am learning that i am lucky to have a few of those though i wished i did not have them when i first started running it. apparently learning how to do those well and doing work outs with those hills is going to be my key to improving my running abilities.

anyway - i thought i would share. i share mostly for me to remember but perhaps you might enjoy it as well!

from http://www.womens-running.com/article/0,7120,s6-238-267-268-629-0,00.html

Last December I had the good fortune to visit top Kenyan runner Godfrey Kiprotich in Lake Baringo, Kenya. During our first morning run along the crocodile-lined shores of the lake, I noticed that Godfrey seemed to have a much longer stride than I did. This wasn't because he had just spied an approaching croc. He simply seemed to push off the ground more powerfully. While I was tempted to lengthen my own stride, I knew this would probably backfire. Research has shown that most runners naturally settle into their most efficient stride. Forcing yourself to increase this stride length often makes running harder and less efficient because long strides can create a "braking" effect. This doesn't happen to the Kenyans, however, because their long strides develop naturally from their workouts.

When I discussed the stride-length question with Godfrey, I discovered that this ability to cover ground so effortlessly results from simple drills. The Kenyans do lots of hill running and other exercises that lead to more explosive footstrikes, longer strides and, ultimately, faster running speeds. You don't have to be Kenyan to develop some of the same techniques yourself. The following workouts will help:

Boot camp hills. Find a steep hill that's at least 50 to 75 meters long, and run hill repeats on it once every two weeks. Alternate running up the hill at close to top speed with "bounding" up the hill more slowly, with an exaggerated vertical motion. Start with six repeats per workout and gradually increase to 10. Between repeats, jog slowly back down to the bottom of the hill.
Hill hops. After you've finished the above workout, begin hopping up the hill on one foot for 15 hops, then shift to the other foot for 15 more hops. Walk for a few seconds to recover, and then repeat.
Hill fartlek. Every 10 days or so, warm up by jogging for 10 minutes, then run for 30 continuous minutes over the most rolling terrain you can find. Accelerate on all uphills and jog easily on the downslopes. Try to maintain an overall effort level that's slightly less intense than a 10-K race.
Quick hops. Once or twice a week, in the middle of your regular workouts, bound from foot to foot for about 30 meters at a time. Try to maximize your "air time" while minimizing the amount of time each foot spends on the ground. In other words, push hard and fast with the contact foot. Make sure that you cover more distance with these bounds than you do with your normal strides.
Running on your toes. After you have warmed up properly, "sprint" on your toes for 30 meters, taking small, quick steps with high knee action. Jog easily for 15 seconds to recover, and then repeat twice more. When finished, do the rest of your workout.

Make sure you only do exercises 4 and 5 on smooth grass or dirt surfaces. Don't do them on asphalt or concrete, where the impact forces could be great enough to cause injury.

mixed up

2011-04-04T12:16:00.000-04:00

i often title blog entries before i write as i just did. as i look through my week of preparations for the coming sundays, i am getting overwhelmed. i try to work ahead enough so as to stave off that feeling, but it comes when things get a little crazy. and perhaps that is why my head is getting mixed up.

i have lingering feelings of awe of the gospel as a read about jesus while readying myself for holy week while also thinking about all the things i want to do to make sure we are making jesus real here - like mission trips, coming out day events, baptisms and confirmations, and serving those who are oppressed. i tend to think it is good to hold a lot in my hands at once and when god takes hold of it, great art and beauty can be created. but other times i have to just let it all go and trust god is going to take care of it like a pigeon released to the sky carrying notes of freedom and love for those places in the world that are happening. how do you do both of those things at the same time?

i read last night about yogaville (an ashram in a neighboring county to me) in a magazine i picked up from my hot yoga studio. there were countless classes offered of retreat and meditation and integral yoga. there were options of retreat or day long times away for people like me who might like to dabble. i am overwhelmed by the amazing possibilities of retreat and while i see the irony in it, i still feel the tension! and i just read in the christian century about a conference for failed pastors. it said that we all know that god loves failures and provides unlimited grace, but still we expect pastors to be perfect. so there is a conference supporting pastors in their failures. i think this sounds awesome. it is in the US but said someone from as far as australia has already signed up. and i wonder if the coming out day events we will plan here in lynchburg will be able to support ministers and lgbtq people in our community will be as big a draw for those that live close by here. i think about the importance of being relevant in a world that needs lots of healing. and i become overwhelmed again.

there is so much that needs to be done and i know that in my thoughts of overwhelm, that is when it is important to listen to God's spirit and to listen for how best to go forward. so i am writing now and after i eat lunch, i will make my to-do list and go forward and trust that god will take care of my list and my plans and that god will be in it. i am thankful for opportunities for ministry and i intend to utilize them as best i can!

Train-wreck

2011-03-17T11:33:00.001-04:00

Everyone knows that when someone talks about watching a "train-wreck," it is one of those things that is awful, but you cannot turn away. Sometimes when I think of this term, I add judgment to it. For instance, the way the media is exploiting Charlie Sheen's spin out of control.

Caroline and I recently started watching the show Nurse Jackie. After finishing the first season last night, I realize that part of the appeal of this show that kept us glued is that Jackie's life is a train-wreck. She is a pill-popping-cheating ER nurse with kids with real problems. As you watch, you constantly worry Jackie will be caught cheating, stealing oxy-coton, ordering organ donation illegally, or not taking good care of her daughters. Like any show, the writers offer us just enough drama that keeps you wanting more as elements of the train-wreckage occur each episode.

I listened to a pod-cast yesterday on This American Life and one of the vignettes detailed the 1950's show "This is Your Life," where people were brought to a live studio audience to hear their life played out while 40 million viewers watched. The title of the pod-cast was: "No You Shouldn't Have," and the producer shared particular episodes that seemed awfully insane to be sharing as a surprise to someone on national television. For instance, a holocaust survivor reminded of concentration camps, an alcoholic reminded of a time in the mental ward, and a survivor of the Hiroshima devastation reminded of the day the bomb dropped (then meeting the man who ordered it to be dropped!!!). Perhaps people watched this show like they do all of our smut shows today. The alcoholic woman they interviewed shared she was not embarrassed by the show; rather, she said people watching were not watching her story. She thought that people were watching themselves. That was how she understood why that was one of the most widely watched episodes.

So, perhaps that is why we watch train-wrecks: are watching our own story - or what could be our own story. Maybe we know that we are all so fragile and that is why we watch Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and continue to read about Michael Jackson... to connect with ourselves....

The one thing that does not fit with this musing is the devastation that is happening in Japan now (as well as other great devastations around the world). We mourn with Japan and we watch to see what will happen to our loved ones and ones we do not know. But unlike the Charlie Sheen train-wreck that we can more easily distance ourselves from (after all - he is a multi-million dollar tv/movie star whose pathway is created by his own exorbitant wealth), the Japan crisis is a bit scarier. It is causing us to talk in our own homes about just how safe our nuclear reactors are and what we will do if it happens here. As the nexus of the radiation spans farther and farther outward, many of us are getting more and more nervous that this catastrophe will affect us. in fact, if we do NOT see ourselves in this catastrophe, we are really not paying attention!

But I expect these nuclear meltdowns, the earthquake, and the tsunami will be forgotten sooner than Charlie Sheen's outbursts or lindsay lohan's court travails. After the radiation verdict is out, the media will move on.

Because I am not sure that the train-wreck phenomenon has much to do with wanting to know ourselves better. While that might work for Oprah or other shows that concentrate on self-growth. As a whole, I think we like watching train-wrecks to be reminded that that is not us (perhaps shadenfreude?). If it gets too close to our lives, we turn the station.

Maybe the alcoholic singer was right too. Maybe us deciding to watch her story tells more about us hoping that we will never want to be like her than that we share in the pain of her story.

As I prepare for a college retreat this weekend in this season of lent, I am reminded of how difficult it is to take steps toward self-awareness in the light of Christ. We see parts of ourselves or our past that we would like to just rubber neck from the high way and be grateful that we are through it, not in it, and never going back to it. And we forget the importance of experiencing the wreckage in it. We forget the call that we have to sit with the pained person through it. And we desperately just try to avoid our own pain.

I am hoping that as we look at The Gospel According To Dr. Seuss, we will be able to see more clearly not only our own selves, but the places that we need to listen for people in pain - just like Horton heard those Whos. So that we don't just see life with horrific fascination but also understand our own connection to that pain. And perhaps we can exercise our compassion for others in their pain too -- just as Jesus exercises compassion with us by going to all the dark places with us despite his own best interest.

that's all for today - just thinking about train-wrecks and wondered where it would take me!

But but but

2011-03-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

The book I just mentioned in the previous post says the following:

" When the buddha realized perfect enlightenment, the veils of illusion fell from his eyes. Free of the snares of desire, he had finally achieved lasting happiness. His wisdom-eye fully opened, the turth of 'what is' became evident. He said he perceived and remembered hundreds of past lives; he knew and understood the intricate and precise laws of karma and rebirth; and he recognized the workings of ignorance, attachment, and desire. The awakened Buddha finally realized why life often seems so troubling."

and then after that, he got ticked at his wife, right? And then he lost his temper in traffic?

no - that is not the way the story goes. but if it did, i might resonate with this story a little better. i see those moments when i am in touch with my best self over and over again through meditation or reading or whatever else mountain top experiences. but unlike the buddha, i find that right afterward, i am living in frustration with other people, wondering why other people are not as perfect as me and wondering when others are going to figure it out.

apparently after the buddha reached his spot, he went to find 5 mendicants which had been companion seekers and shared with them what they learned. they apparently reached enlightenment on the spot. those were his first followers...

maybe i am just not surrounded by the right mendicants!

ha. i appreciate this time in the christian season when i can examine the pieces in my own struggles toward oneness of self with the world as i listen for the holy spirit and prepare for the easter pizzazz in my own life. what i like about the aforementioned book and eastern practices of meditation is that they do not pretend that it does not take work, self-discipline, and an on-going pursuit. i tend to want some form of "enlightenment" to end the struggle, but perhaps what i will learn as i continue my study in buddhism and as i continue my faith in christianity is that there is no end. there is no time when we simply get a reprieve from the reality of suffering and death in life. but i do think that through mindfulness and faith in the universe, i will be able to create transformative experiences through even the most dire situations.

I appreciate the Salt Project's posting today that reminds us that as people of faith, part of what we can do for the people of Japan is not to pretend that there are easy answers; we can also pray; and finally we need to lament. What I am learning is that the more that we listen for ways that the world is breaking around us and continuing to breathe, pray, and not turn away, the better we can finally turn our hearts toward lamenting and eventually find ways to allow transformation to enter into our lamentation.

i do wonder if one can ever really ever be "enlightened", but what i know for myself is that meditating to achieve some form of pleasure is not what it is about anyway. and that would be a good way to never get there! i pray in the coming weeks and months and years for the loss of so many people and places in japan. may god hold them in this time of trial.

amen

Suggestions for Mindfulness

2011-03-14T14:13:00.000-04:00

I revisited a favorite book of mine today to guide me in my thoughts for daily Lenten practice. The book is Awakening the Buddha Within and here is a direct quote of "ways that we can cultivate mindful awareness and bring meditation, calm, and clarity into daily activities": (pp 71-17)

"* Breathe and smile. Relax. Take a moment to let go, and just be. Enjoy it.

* Do standing meditation, while waiting in line for a movie or bus or train. Just stand there, breathe, and awaken.

* Whenever you sit down or stand up, stop and appreciate a moment of change, of freedom.

* Whenever you cross a threshold, go through a doorway, or enter a room, see it as entering a temple and do so reverently.

* Walk barefoot in the grass or on a thick carpet and feel fully each sensation with your toes and soles.

* Walk on the edge of a beach, where the water meets the sand, with your eyes closed, feeling your way along, totally vigilant and attentive.

* Walk slowly upon crunchy snow or autumn leaves, attending to the crackle of each step.

* Sing, chant, or pray till you totally forget and lose yourself; then stop and drop into a moemnt of inexpressible isness, completely beyond concepts, stories, and strategies.

* Experience simple, repetitive work like sewing, embroidering, or even washing dishes as meditation in action, focusing totally on the moemnt in hand and nothing else.

* Try doing manual labor in a sacred manner, just doing what you are doing as if it is the ultimate divine service, for it is.

* When eating, chew each mouthful fifty or one hundred times, getting the most out of the food as well as being further nourshed by the richness of each moment.

* Try chewing one single raisin for seveal minutes and experiencing everything you can about it.

* Before speaking, notice whate motivates your words.

* Set a beeper on your watch or alarm clock to ring every hour on the hour, reminding you to wake up and appreciate the miracle of every moment. Call yourself by name and say, "Wake up!"

* Recognize the Buddha-light shinging in everyone and everythign tnad treat other accordingly.

* Enjoy the indescribable joy and peace of meditation."

Recapturing Childhood?

2011-03-13T20:59:00.000-04:00

This weekend was a nice one. I enjoyed beautiful weather, plenty of time to do things I love, and lots of good people to spend the time with (sadly not my partner caroline who was visiting family and friends on her spring break!). One of the highlights of my weekend was spending time yesterday with my dog on a trail that we are getting into a habit of run/walking while I listened to Krista Tippett's show on Being on Yoga on my ipod. She interviewed yogi Seane Corne, who discovered yoga at age the young age of 19. As it turned out, yoga would be her life's work. Hers is a compelling story and she can put faith into words so clearly that it makes me jealous! What she articulated about yoga and her own theology about the world resonated with me deeply. I loved the way she talked about our inward struggles of being human, the need for balance, and the importance of learning to breathe through life - the good and the bad.

I am influenced now by my yoga experience here in Lynchburg, where I have been practicing Bikram's hot yoga twice a week. This is a hatha yoga whereupon you do 26 different postures through 90 minutes of practice. It is called "hot yoga" because the studio is set to 105 degrees. Bikram says on his website that some of the reasons for the heat are to make it safer to stretch and to reorganize the lipids (fat) in the muscular structure. More than once when you read about what is happening during this yoga or take a class, you hear words like "re-sculpting", "re-aligning", and such words that harken you back to when your body was not messed up from the life it has had along the way! Apparently, the heat helps with that re-sculpting stuff. I am learning that the hatha means that this form of yoga is like a meditation. The instructors tell you every time when you come into class that you are to listen fully to the words they give you and to leave the "rest of the world" out of the room. They do the favor of thinking for you so all you have to do is listen. It is an opportunity to let go of all of the ways that one is called in service to others and the world and allow oneself to simply "be" and listen to what spirit has to say to them by moving their body in strange ways.

I borrow this "spirit" language from Seane Corne's interview. I found it a helpful way to describe what is happening during yoga. she explains that there is a spirit of light within all of us. on the other hand, there are ways that we do not allow our bodies and selves to process things that happen to us and it stays in our cell memory - this can get in the way of the light. She says that the practice of yoga allows our cells to recognize those things in our past and to process them and to re-align ourselves - our spirit and our body - so that we might truly be one. we might then allow the darkness in us to simply "be" and also allow our light to "be". For some , there are periods of sadness in yoga when working through things that have happened in the past need processing. Corne expresses how important it is in yoga to listen to the pain rather than numb it. it is through this process that we are re-aligned in body and spirit and sculpted into a new human.

The "spirit" language is interesting to me. I tend to want to call that feeling of goodness and love outside and inside myself "God", but I think "Spirit" works better. As a Christian, I tend to look at the world through Jesus the Christ, who points to God who is a force of goodness and love outside the world. an intimate knowledge of this force, is often articulated "Holy Spirit" and maybe that is why i like the word "spirit" - because it connects with this christian understanding. i don't know. I also liked that Corne recognizes that everyone has their own language for this common working of Spirit in all things (She acknowledged that a lot of yogis would probably disagree with this).

What is also profound to me and that i get intuitively but not intellectually (yet!) is that this yoga practice is not self-centered. Corne now does work around the world fighting for justice and healing for children caught in sex trafficing through her work. Her yoga teachings give her an ability to reach out to others. A personal favorite part of the interview was when she described how when she got into activism, she was young (like when she was around 19 years old). She was angry and did not have a way to work through her anger, so activism made sense as a way to channel this anger. She had been molested, and she had her share of scars from the world. However, she said that made for a poor advocate. What she soon learned was that it was not until after she had worked through her own darkness in her self that she could help others. she said that allowing herself to live through that darkness and recognized the light that was still there helped her to be able to sit with others in their darkness and not judge it. otherwise, she got defenseive of the darkness because it connected her with her own.... okay - she did nto say all of that, but that is how i heard a lot of what she said. i am probably not saying it well! She did describe the importance of knowing that darkness in yourself and that it was only through being with people who had experienced great darkness that she would be able to understand how they found light - and that to her was life giving... and light giving.

I appreciated that because it made me think of the work I have been trying to help with in the denomination toward equality for all people regardless of sexual orientation and sexual identity. It has been a rocky road for me because a part of me just wants the denomination to change at once. I dare say my own passion is not necessarily helpful to the process of transformation. Because I know now the words of why - I am too attached to the outcome!! What I would have said pre-yoga is this: I need time of inward healing and forgiving of myself and others before I can minister to anyone. It is not that my thinking has changed; it is simply that I now know better how to work through the anger that I have and I have a better trust that the work I will do will help the world.

This was a great weekend. I got to run with my dog and listen to deep thoughts. But I realized today that the best part of the weekend was understanding that through all of this, i am growing closer and closer to a person who can do more to help others and not less. instead of worrying about burn-out from all the work i do, i realize that by doing the yoga and spending time replenishing myself that doing the work of planning for sunday school, worship, baptism class, and youth group just comes naturally and meanwhile i am also being prepared and sculpted into something greater for the future.... that time is preparing me for something else too in some inexplicable way whether i know it (or what it will be) or not.

before my board meeting today, i had the joy of playing with kids in youth group. It was when I was smelling myself (after running a lot) while hiding alone in a closet for the game of sardines that a good memory came in my head: soccer, 7th grade, outside, and running around. I loved playing soccer so much. We had to do lots of laps and practice a lot, but it was always worth it because I loved playing. It was the smell that got me. And as I run more and get in better shape, and sculpt this body and this self back into the person God truly wants me to be, I will be able to do those things that I once did with ease. I can even play games with kids who are much faster than me (and probably will always be), and perhaps I will be able to start playing soccer again.

And maybe through all of this, I will be able to reclaim those parts of myself of joy and love for the church, so that i can better serve others to see how awesome God's love is for all people regardless of letter identified (LGBTQ), regardless of age, and anything else.

That is all I have - I need to go home to my caroline after a long day!

Happy Spring!

Audrey

Sharp Top

2011-03-11T21:17:00.000-05:00

It is another day off so I decided to do my hot yoga in the morning and a hike in the afternoon. At the close of the day, I got to catch up up with a new "old" friend here in Lynchburg. I can't complain! I wanted to share this hiking expedition on my blog with a few shots. I had thought to myself it would be a good hike to do in an afternoon because it is only a mile and a half to the top from the trail head. However, I knew it was going to be steep. I decided today was a good day because there would not be a lot of people and it is a popular spot in these parts! I let Maddie enjoy the hike off the leash mostly (I put her back on when we did run into two random hikers) and we ascended. It said it would take an hour and a half and I was determined to beat this time.

I did beat this time, but after awhile it was not for trying. I found myself pausing along the way more than a couple of times. In fact, there are multiple times when you think you are at the top and then you realize you have more distance to go. When you get near the top, there is a sign that points you toward the direction of the peak. it said that you were 1900 feet away. it is misleading because 1900 does not sound like a lot. but when most of those feet are on mountain stair steps, it feels a lot longer!

Sure enough, once I got to the top, I knew it was worth it. I decided I would no longer think that this hike was simply a "tourist hike". I understood why it is such a popular hike. From one place, I could see for miles and miles 360 degrees around me! While I have been to Flat Top Mountain, which is a little taller than this mountain, this peak was more breath-taking because of the 360 degree turn.

I am very glad I went in the beginning of March, however. There were points when I was pretty cold (as a matter of fact, I forgot to get a picture of myself up there at all probably because I was so bent on keeping warm!), but I would rather be cold getting myself way up that mountain than hot! I felt myself sweating significantly on the ascent, but I never needed water. I wondered how treacherous it would be if it were summer!

I have pictures below. I started out with the shots that I got at the top. Perhaps I should have kept you waiting the way I had to as i climbed up.... nahh, i decided just to post in order of how much i liked the shots! there are enough so that you can get a sense of the hike too if you are interested in trying it out!

oh! and at the bottom, i posted a video so you can see how cool it is to see all the way around you!

this is the "other" peak on this great mountain. i did not go to buzzard roost, but i loved these pointers at the top!

i love this picture - this is maddie at the tippy top. yes, i am nervous up here too, but i loved that she is instinctively nervous!

i loved these markers. i was 8 miles to bedford as the crow flies. .. seriously - i could see how the crow would fly!

just awesome

breath taking

i added this to show that while it was nice not to be "hot" while hiking, there were some awfully dangerous parts! the funny part is i did slip but it was not on the ice and i was okay!

yet another side to the view i had. this is flat top mountain - its summit is a couple hundred feet higher - i was up there maybe 3 weeks ago. just awesome along the blue ridge parkway!

this is a little unit thingy that they constructed that you can get to the top of the mountain!

mad checks everything out before i do!

another shot from the top. you can see a house that the national park service must have used some years ago (or firetower people?)

another shot of the ascent. this is one of those times that i thought maddie was at the top. we actually had a ways to go from this point. but i thought maddie made it here. it reminded me of the feeling when you walk out to see the ocean. you know what you are going to see, but it knowing it does not make up for just being in front of it and looking out at it!

a funny story

2011-03-09T09:56:00.000-05:00

so i want to tell you all a funny story of what happened to me a week ago when i was running.

blackwater creek trail taken in the fall when there were more leaves!

one of the places i go is the blackwater creek trail that goes along the blackwater creek (imagine that!). because the trail is kept up so nicely with pavement and it is quite beautiful, there are often other people walking their dogs, pushing strollers, running, and biking. this one time i ran, there was a family of maybe four people. it was a toddler, a baby being pushed and two adults walking and talking. i could tell that they had their hands full. as i ran up, the toddler was running toward me in that crazy way only little ones can. he was intent on running ahead and i heard a women (presumably his mother) calling him to come back to her. as i ran, it was clear he was not going to follow her request. i could see the woman getting more and more frantic as she realized he was getting far ahead. there are strangers on the trail as well as water beyond the wooden fence. i thought it would be the water that scared the woman the most. i felt bad for the woman who upon closer look seemed a bit older than a mother - perhaps she was a grandmother - and running to get him seemed insurmountable. i hesitated, paused, and asked, "do you want me to go get him? i think i will just scare him..." and they looked at me - no doubt surprised by this stranger and quickly responded, "no... yeah - it would." and the woman ran ahead to get her child.

i felt kind of silly asking a stranger if she wanted me to reclaim her child, but it seemed like a helpful thing to do. but she did not know me from adam and for all she knew, i was looking for an excuse to steal a child from two people in lynchburg.... i started feeling kind of silly for asking as i ran on.

or maybe that was not going through their minds at all - maybe it wasn't silly. i didn't know, and i quickly put it out of my mind.

i thought about that when i was driving to work this morning. i passed school bus stops and children waiting along a side street to be picked up. i immediately thought about what it was like to be in elementary school and to wait for the bus to come. i do not often think that i want to have children, but i do love children and i am thankful for ways i get to be in their lives through my current work. when i was watching those kids line up at the bus stops, i was touched by the mothers who were with their children waiting for the school bus to come. it is such an honor to be able to be a mom and to be able to raise kids. i know this because i also know of so many who do not get to do that because of finances, problematic hormones, eggs, or just life stuff.

in a time before our industrialization (or perhaps in current times in smaller towns where everyone knows your name), i think it truly was a "village" that raised a child. but today, the villages are less existent. we come together at church to find our "villages" of safe people that we want our children to connect with to help raise them right. but beyond that, it is difficult to find spaces where we might all truly learn to live in an intergenerational way.

no doubt that when i asked that family if they wanted me to help get their child on the blackwater creek trail, they might have thought i was a bit crazy. after all - i was the stranger running by that was not supposed to have a name or face because there was no familiarity. they probably preferred to have thought of themselves as on the trail with just their family. but the truth is, i was a person running by who does have a heart for children and for families who are trying to find some safe space for children to be able to run crazy and get their energy out in a beautiful area.

i do not think the church needs to take over the world. in fact, i think one of the greatest threats to Christianity is the way it has tried to do so in oppressive ways. but at the same time, i wish the church could help figure out ways to make society more friendly for all people. i wish we could truly reach out to all children to teach them the safe people who are praying for them and helping them to grow into people who understand the unconditional love of god for them. i wish that we could also convey to all adults and all generations that all children are connected to them as well. and that there could be better ways to connect people together.

these are some things i was thinking about this morning and i thought i would share them on a blog.

hope you all are having great Wednesdays!

blessings-

audrey

The Internet is Back On!

2011-03-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

Ok -

Many of you have witnessed the travails of trying life without Internet and TV in Caroline and my home through reading this blog. The truth is that we did adjust in many ways. I now have programmed in my phone all of the local movie theaters so I can find out what is playing for free at any moment without a newspaper or Internet. I also have the free 411 phone number in my phone. It is really annoying with its ads, but it works. I am currently getting a daily newspaper delivered to my house each morning. And when I want to get caught up on facebook or anything else, I find myself at the local library where I can access free Internet with lots of other people.

And as for TV - we have been watching our shows through netflix and we have one friend who is a real saint who has recorded for us our favorite shows that are on currently. I cannot explain why she is so nice to us, but we accept it!!!!

So you might ask me - well, why did you write "The Internet is Back On!"? Why is it back on if you are doing so great??

I don't live alone and a significant person in my life shared with me how difficult it is for her to work here in the mornings while eating her cereal and going over last minute preparations for class. She also told me how difficult it is to be in touch with so many friends and family far away. And long story short - she could not take it any more....

Am I upset about it?

Of course not! But I did learn that I could do it and still remain pretty well connected to the world. It will be a lot easier now to keep my Ipod up-to-date with current podcasts, emails, and facebook stuff. It will be nice that during GLAD Alliance conference calls, I will be able to also communicate over the Internet with everyone else. It will add the possibility of skype, free TV through Hulu, Netflix, and the like back in our lives, and most important - what the rotten tomato scores of movies are.

Yeah - I am glad to have it back. But I hope that the past two months' new habits will stay with me as i continue my quiet mornings without noise and reading and that when I get home, the first thing I think about is running instead of facebook or reading all the different news outlets. there is a limit to how helpful that stuff can be.

But for now, it's on. and for only $29.99 for just Internet and no TV - who knew you could do that??? I didn't - that is a new option! So, I can't complain .

When the Cable guy left, he said, "See you next time!" because he was the same guy that installed it the first time. He was a really nice guy. I remember thinking that the first time. Who knows - maybe we will disconnect one more time and by then, the cable guy will be close enough friends that we could invite him to our next party!

peace

Audrey